What If?

One of the worst things you can say to a person with depression is, "Just get over it." Even if someone tries to be gentle about it and frames it as a question like, "Can't you just get over it?" it's still shitty.

I don't blame them for asking. It's a question that seems totally legit to someone that has never experienced depression. Not being sad. Depressed. There's a big difference between the two but it doesn't feel like it for anyone in either camp.

I have been sad before. And I've been lost in depression. Tonight while brushing my teeth, I let myself wonder, "What if? What if I could just get over it?"

What if when my mind starts racing with snippets of songs I heard earlier in the day and the project at work and the friend that's struggling and the fella that's grumpy and the new kitten that I still can't quite let myself deserve and the flowers at work that maybe I should have brought home and not given him so much shit about because now I wonder if he gave them to me because he wanted to or because I was vocal about wanting them? What if I could just be silent?

What if I was able to look at myself in the mirror and smile instead of wince away? What if I just did what I know will help me feel better? What if I stopped feeling like I can't do anything? What if thinking about making better changes for myself wasn't so terrifying and overwhelming? What if just thinking about stepping on the scale didn't make me want to cry? What if when I went shopping for clothes I actually enjoyed it?

What would happen if I was able to accept a compliment? Or believed it? What if I was able to actually say 'thank you' and not spend the rest of the day wondering if I sounded arrogant? What if I was able to walk by a group of people and not think their conversation was about how terrible I was? What would happen if I stopped hearing voices from the past telling me that was absolutely what was happening?

What if I didn't feel all the things I feel? What if I didn't actually hurt when I read about tragic things happening in our world? What kind of life would I have? Would I still be kind? Or would I grow hard and indifferent? What if I was able to experience my senses in only the most basic of ways? What if I could say/dress/be who I wanted to be without constant wonder what others thought? Would I be different?

What if I could sleep normally? What if 3 am was just how late I used to stay up in my twenties instead of when my day starts? What if my dreams were of full of hope for the future instead of battling my past? What if I could recognize my triggers instead of getting slammed with circumstance? What if everything didn't scare me so? What if I could trust that life,that I, will just get through this?

What if I could just get over it?


*I really am ok. But I haven't been before. I have been all of the things I talked about above and more. Right now I'm in a good place but there will always be a fear of losing that feeling. Another difference between sadness and depression is that sadness fades, often changing into a life lessons. Depression can lay dormant, waiting and ready to latch onto the smallest of anxieties to drag you away from good places.  But right now, I feel ok. Even a little bit strong. What if that was me?