Therapeutic Dose

"I encourage you to journal about what you've done, how far you've come in the last year..."


I admire people that have triumphed over a hard situation. Seeing they have overcome hard words, situations and circumstances and then come through with hope and support for others is encouraging. It's freaking hard to be a person but even harder to mend from other people. And it's a slow process for most.

She was flipping pages of my file, pausing occasionally to read a note. "Practiced detachment."

I tensed. Detachment. That's a hard one. I tend to care with my whole self and heart. It leads me to pain quite often. Over the last year or so, I've had to learn that it's ok to care about my whole self and heart first. In fact, it's kind of the only thing you can do in order to care about others.

I've learned to let go and let people live their life, even if it's painful to watch them live it. Even if I can see them making dangerous decisions or hurting themselves I have to step back. I can ensure that they know I'm here for them, and love them. But my only responsibility is to remember that we have to fight our own battles.

"Stopped coming in early, leaving late and working through lunch."
She raised her eyebrow at me and I nodded. "I still come in and leave on time."
"And lunch?"
I decided to be honest. "I usually still sit in my office, but I don't work. I usually just read facebook or something."

Or do online shopping. Or watch cat videos. I should be walking at lunch, or at least breathing air that's not recycled but I'm not quite to the place that I want to actually give a shit about my health yet. That one always seems to be the last part to come back in my ongoing self-esteem rebuild.

"Took trip to ocean by self; felt 'rejuvenated'."

I took a deep breath. "This is what I don't understand. How is taking a drive an accomplishment? How is that something I've achieved?"

She stared at me a moment. "Had you ever done anything like that before?"

I shook my head. "No."

"It's an accomplishment for exactly that reason. You tried something and you did it and you succeeded. You said you felt rejuvenated when you got back."

"Yeah...I guess I did. But..."

She closed the file and waited. This was typical of how we worked together. It took me a moment to form my thought. "I guess I don't see those things as successful things. Achievements. While it was happening, it didn't feel like I was achieving anything. It felt like I was drowning and doing those things were like me clinging to a life ring for survival. I did whatever I could to just try and feel better."

"Oh I see."

I watched her. Was that not the reaction I should have had? Am I still broken? I'd been feeling better lately, stronger. Was I wrong?

"I mean...does, that make sense?"

She nodded, "It does." And then she paused. "I encourage you to journal about the things you've done, how far you've come in the last year. There have been a lot of things you've shared with me that most people would still be struggling with understanding and you are already in the process of letting them go. That's a huge deal. And more than just surviving."

I left her office and let myself think about things I'd discussed with her on the drive home. I wasn't surprised to feel emotions bubbling up. I've had some really tough days. Weeks. And months. I had spent this same drive crying to the point I had to pull over. I've gotten ill from stress and feelings left unexpressed. I have gained nearly all the weight back I lost last year when I was in a better place and I've battled depression and anxiety nearly every day. I've learned to recognize triggers, how to deal with them when they come,  and what codependency is. I've learned that I don't have to do everything for everyone all the time. I've learned I can say no. I've learned that if I want to stay home and work on a jigsaw puzzle or have a day of sloth on Sunday, I can. I've learned that I can do something I've never done before and come away feeling stronger.

I've learned I don't need to cling to a life ring when I'm drowning, if I can learn how to swim.

I am lucky. I have an incredible support system and leaned heavily on them often over the last year. I do admire people that have triumphed over difficulties but the people standing by their side are the true heroes.