Letting Some Out

driving different
smelling the flowers from the top of the stairs
hiss of breaks
kleenex boxes everywhere

My emotions are raw. Like they've been tenderized. Memories and recent events pulverize me, ripping open healed scars. I hurt.

There's so much sadness in the air. It's heavy and thick and suffocating. People are hugging one another when they never have before. The general query, "How are you today?" has more meaning behind it.

Before I answer, I think about how honest I can be. What if the way I feel, affects them?

crying different
seeing people in lights I didn't know they had
eat the bread
desperate to hug my dad

I want to do kind things for everyone. On the surface that seems like it would be a nice, but it's just so I can feel better and then it makes me feel like maybe it's selfish.  I want to help. When I can help with even the smallest task, it helps me. It helps me feel like I've done something. Like I've accomplished something other than feeling...everything.

It's overwhelming and unreal and just so fucking unfair. I don't even know what to wear because all my clothes seem inappropriate somehow.

I asked for a hug today. I told someone I was ok and when they said 'Just ok?' I lied and said I was good. I zoned out at the computer screen today and read the same line in an email 6 times. I sat on the floor next to a dog and just rubbed it's ears because it let me and it felt comforting.

I called and made someone's day a little brighter with good news and I made someone else laugh. That's the kind of helping I need more of.

I miss everyone I've ever lost. I miss the people still here with me I haven't seen in awhile. I can't tell them enough how much they mean to me. I hate that tragedy is what reminds me of how special they are. And how many. Many people, many tragic events. I miss my cat. I want to call my mom. I want to be alone. I don't want to sit here by myself.

Grief washes over me and I have to keep telling myself to just let it. I have to battle that part of me that's screaming 'get over it and move on," because it's not about moving on. It's about moving forward and I know that but the voice still screams sometimes.

Playing in the ocean as a kid, the waves crashing over my head. My feet floating up for a moment away from the sand as the powerful water stirs me around. My head breaks the surface and I am wild with laughter and breath.

I'm underwater right now. My feet aren't quite touching the sand, though I know it's beneath me. I feel suspended, immersed and completely helpless. Out of breath and unable to laugh.


I know I'll reach the surface. I'll break back into the light and laugh but  until then... I guess I'll just ride the waves.