Circles

I'm so sorry to unload on you but I need to tell someone that I'm almost done. The surface cracked a little today and emotions won. I let it happen, angry for succumbing at the same time accepting it.

I feel so fucking overwhelmed. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to talk to, or anywhere to hide or anywhere to get lost to. I feel like I'm walking in circles.

As I tell others that it's ok to feel the way they do. As I tell them to do whatever they need to feel ok. As I advise them to accept themselves, I tell myself to change.

I can't figure this out.

As I tell others that they are working through the healing process, and that what they feel is completely natural, I wonder why I'm sad.

As I offer my shoulder for others to cry on, my ear to listen, I get angry when tears fall from my own eyes.

I long for distraction but when it comes I ignore it. At work I want to be home. At home I want to be out. When I'm out I want to be at work. I don't know how to be right now.

I feel guilty. As though I don't deserve to feel this sad. I've experienced loss. I know what it's like.  I didn't know him that well. He was much closer to others. Why am I so upset?

I'm sick of the smell of lilies. Every time I walk through the door downstairs and a whiff of coffee greets me, I have this moment of, "Oh maybe he's..." when he never will be again. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired.

I haven't done anything. I don't know what my role in all of this is. I'm not the one that people are coming to. I'm not making any arrangements. I'm just here, spinning in a circle wondering when things will start to feel better.

I feel ugly inside, using 'I' to begin each sentence. There are so many others that are feeling such sadness. How can it ever be about me?

I listened to the counselor tell us that we were all going to experience things differently and I thought, "No. I'll be ok." And here I am...not ok.