It's Just Food

You know that phrase or saying or whatever that says you should treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend?

I tried that today and it's harder than it sounds.

I ate pretty badly over the last weekend. I had a lot of sweet and bread-y things and I enjoyed them...all the way up until today when I gave in to yet another sweet thing.

These kinds of things aren't supposed to happen on Mondays.

Mondays are for starting over and taking things head on and making changes. Getting back on the wagon.

But not for me today. And I feel pretty shitty about it. I don't know how to have better eating habits and be strong and still allow myself to splurge and then be okay with it.

I have never felt more like an addict. I am literally craving the foods that I can't have. If I allow myself even the smallest of treats, I will fall into this insane high where I become thisclose to eating cans of frosting. If I give in to it, I'll feel sick and I know this.  But when you're in that state of mind it somehow doesn't matter. And I feel pretty pissy about it.

I feel very 'it's not fair' and whiny and frustrated and like I want to stomp my feet a little which is ridiculous. I've made myself this way.

I've had people say it's not just me. They mention genetics and society and yes, addiction. But I'm still me, I'm still responsible for buying the ice cream.

I was celebrating small triumphs. I was excited to walk past the bakery and not buy anything. I felt good buying fruits and vegetables and good cheeses. I started to look at processed foods as tokens from Satan instead of former lovers. And then I slipped. I had a piece of cake to 'celebrate'. My drug.

I want to scream. I am so mad at myself. I went to the store after work today and I had this moment in the car where I could actually feel my face frowning. I made a conscious effort to change my way of thinking and that's when I remembered that phrase.

Treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend. 

I tried it. "It's ok," I said to myself. "You can try again tomorrow. You don't have to justify your actions. You made a mistake but you can bounce back."

I tried to be understanding and kind to myself. I tried to forgive myself and move on.

Harder than it sounds.