Circles

I'm so sorry to unload on you but I need to tell someone that I'm almost done. The surface cracked a little today and emotions won. I let it happen, angry for succumbing at the same time accepting it.

I feel so fucking overwhelmed. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to talk to, or anywhere to hide or anywhere to get lost to. I feel like I'm walking in circles.

As I tell others that it's ok to feel the way they do. As I tell them to do whatever they need to feel ok. As I advise them to accept themselves, I tell myself to change.

I can't figure this out.

As I tell others that they are working through the healing process, and that what they feel is completely natural, I wonder why I'm sad.

As I offer my shoulder for others to cry on, my ear to listen, I get angry when tears fall from my own eyes.

I long for distraction but when it comes I ignore it. At work I want to be home. At home I want to be out. When I'm out I want to be at work. I don't know how to be right now.

I feel guilty. As though I don't deserve to feel this sad. I've experienced loss. I know what it's like.  I didn't know him that well. He was much closer to others. Why am I so upset?

I'm sick of the smell of lilies. Every time I walk through the door downstairs and a whiff of coffee greets me, I have this moment of, "Oh maybe he's..." when he never will be again. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired.

I haven't done anything. I don't know what my role in all of this is. I'm not the one that people are coming to. I'm not making any arrangements. I'm just here, spinning in a circle wondering when things will start to feel better.

I feel ugly inside, using 'I' to begin each sentence. There are so many others that are feeling such sadness. How can it ever be about me?

I listened to the counselor tell us that we were all going to experience things differently and I thought, "No. I'll be ok." And here I am...not ok.

Letting Some Out

driving different
smelling the flowers from the top of the stairs
hiss of breaks
kleenex boxes everywhere

My emotions are raw. Like they've been tenderized. Memories and recent events pulverize me, ripping open healed scars. I hurt.

There's so much sadness in the air. It's heavy and thick and suffocating. People are hugging one another when they never have before. The general query, "How are you today?" has more meaning behind it.

Before I answer, I think about how honest I can be. What if the way I feel, affects them?

crying different
seeing people in lights I didn't know they had
eat the bread
desperate to hug my dad

I want to do kind things for everyone. On the surface that seems like it would be a nice, but it's just so I can feel better and then it makes me feel like maybe it's selfish.  I want to help. When I can help with even the smallest task, it helps me. It helps me feel like I've done something. Like I've accomplished something other than feeling...everything.

It's overwhelming and unreal and just so fucking unfair. I don't even know what to wear because all my clothes seem inappropriate somehow.

I asked for a hug today. I told someone I was ok and when they said 'Just ok?' I lied and said I was good. I zoned out at the computer screen today and read the same line in an email 6 times. I sat on the floor next to a dog and just rubbed it's ears because it let me and it felt comforting.

I called and made someone's day a little brighter with good news and I made someone else laugh. That's the kind of helping I need more of.

I miss everyone I've ever lost. I miss the people still here with me I haven't seen in awhile. I can't tell them enough how much they mean to me. I hate that tragedy is what reminds me of how special they are. And how many. Many people, many tragic events. I miss my cat. I want to call my mom. I want to be alone. I don't want to sit here by myself.

Grief washes over me and I have to keep telling myself to just let it. I have to battle that part of me that's screaming 'get over it and move on," because it's not about moving on. It's about moving forward and I know that but the voice still screams sometimes.

Playing in the ocean as a kid, the waves crashing over my head. My feet floating up for a moment away from the sand as the powerful water stirs me around. My head breaks the surface and I am wild with laughter and breath.

I'm underwater right now. My feet aren't quite touching the sand, though I know it's beneath me. I feel suspended, immersed and completely helpless. Out of breath and unable to laugh.


I know I'll reach the surface. I'll break back into the light and laugh but  until then... I guess I'll just ride the waves.

It's Just Food

You know that phrase or saying or whatever that says you should treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend?

I tried that today and it's harder than it sounds.

I ate pretty badly over the last weekend. I had a lot of sweet and bread-y things and I enjoyed them...all the way up until today when I gave in to yet another sweet thing.

These kinds of things aren't supposed to happen on Mondays.

Mondays are for starting over and taking things head on and making changes. Getting back on the wagon.

But not for me today. And I feel pretty shitty about it. I don't know how to have better eating habits and be strong and still allow myself to splurge and then be okay with it.

I have never felt more like an addict. I am literally craving the foods that I can't have. If I allow myself even the smallest of treats, I will fall into this insane high where I become thisclose to eating cans of frosting. If I give in to it, I'll feel sick and I know this.  But when you're in that state of mind it somehow doesn't matter. And I feel pretty pissy about it.

I feel very 'it's not fair' and whiny and frustrated and like I want to stomp my feet a little which is ridiculous. I've made myself this way.

I've had people say it's not just me. They mention genetics and society and yes, addiction. But I'm still me, I'm still responsible for buying the ice cream.

I was celebrating small triumphs. I was excited to walk past the bakery and not buy anything. I felt good buying fruits and vegetables and good cheeses. I started to look at processed foods as tokens from Satan instead of former lovers. And then I slipped. I had a piece of cake to 'celebrate'. My drug.

I want to scream. I am so mad at myself. I went to the store after work today and I had this moment in the car where I could actually feel my face frowning. I made a conscious effort to change my way of thinking and that's when I remembered that phrase.

Treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend. 

I tried it. "It's ok," I said to myself. "You can try again tomorrow. You don't have to justify your actions. You made a mistake but you can bounce back."

I tried to be understanding and kind to myself. I tried to forgive myself and move on.

Harder than it sounds.

Love Meaning

How do you feel about love these days?

I love Love. It's such a pure and comforting and fulfilling and true feeling. I believe in it. I feel good when I see it in others. I feel complete when it's returned. I feel whole.

I feel strongly that Love is rare. True love. I believe you can be mistaken in your understanding of what Love is.  I believe the meaning can change over time.

I feel love for my cats, and my books, and my Fella and the first rain of the summer, and my Dad and my v-neck black tshirt and warm cinnamon rolls but all in very different ways. I love the diversity.

I feel lucky about Love. People say it all the time but I truly mean it when I say I never thought I'd know Love. I was convinced that it just wasn't for me. I had been hurt so many times....I had been mistaken about my understanding. I needed to heal.

It wasn't until I finally felt like myself again that Love found me.


I love that when it's right, it doesn't give up. Instead it builds and grows and becomes....What you are. You feel complete and whole and lucky and very different about Love.