Outside the Lines

I feel overwhelmed with life fairly often. Usually about once a month I fall into a deep self-actualizing pool. I look at myself, how I'm living, what kinds of things I should change to improve myself. I take inventory of aches and pains, decide which are important enough to seek medical help. I stare at my body and frown a lot. 

I'm still so unhappy in my skin most of the time. I really really wish I could be one of those 'plus sized' girls that is proud of herself and doesn't pay attention to shit that others say. I haven't even had anyone say something nasty to me about my weight for years. 

But inside my head, I'm berating and mean to myself. I make myself see the back and front and sides, and profile and chins and fucking ankles that are cankles now....and I hate it. 

I know it's not good for me and I do nothing about it which makes me think there's something deeper I need to address but I don't really want to because, well, eating cake for dinner is way more fun. 

So find something else to be mean to myself about. 

I used to dwell on not driving or not working but those things have been checked off the 'list' of thoughts that come at me. I honestly thought that once I had those things accomplished I'd feel....better.

Instead, I think about my book that's been on hold since my cat died. And then I think about my cat. And then I think about my coworker that helped me and then I think about work and it just goes on and on and on and sometimes, I just don't want to think. 

I try reading and that works for a little while but most of the time my brain is having a battle with itself and I want to wave the white flag. 

Why does everything have to feel like such a goddamn struggle? Is this the depression? The anxiety? The middle agedom? Is it hormones? Adjusting to change? 

I don't know. 

I've talked about  my feelings before to others. In response I often hear, 'Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a lot. Give yourself a break." and I so wish I could but honestly? I don't know how. 

I know I'm not perfect. But it pisses me off that I'm not. 

When I was in second grade, I would get upset when I colored outside the lines. Evidently so much so that the teacher felt she should mention it to my mother. I don't remember this but it absolutely is indicative of my personality. 

I started a new job in December. A new job doing something I've always been interested in and was very excited about, but knew very little. Within the first week of January I was pissed at myself for not being able to do all the things I'd never done before. I'm still working on being ok with myself when I make a mistake. 

It's a difficult struggle for me. 

Why? Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? To love myself, always and all parts? Why is it such a tremendous challenge to accept a compliment? To just say 'thank you'? Why can't I be ok with coloring outside the lines?

Is this the depression? The anxiety? The middle agedom? Is it hormones? Adjusting to change? 

I don't know. I don't want to think about it anymore.