Loss

Loss: the fact or process of losing something or someone....


I didn't know him but he still felt like family. His name sounded like a character from a book. Everyone said he was a good kid. He was walking home in the dark rain when the car hit him. He was 18. The driver, 16.

I was at work so I was professional. I was there to help which is when I feel the strongest. I looked up information for grief counselors and words jumped off the page into my memories. Words like 'grief', 'depression', 'death', and 'loss'.... I pushed past them. I was working.

I called people on the phone that I rarely speak to. Everyone's voice was different. So much sadness in their voices, in our hearts, and in the halls as people walked by-trying to figure out what to do.

The day progressed and it became the day after. It was a Friday and everyone feels a little better on Fridays. There were exchanges of, "How are you"s that meant more than usual, but it was ok.

And then, all of a sudden, it wasn't.

I was just sitting there, working on a project when I felt what I can only describe as a wave of emotion move through me. I was intensely sad for his family, friends, coworkers...I understood where they were a little because I'd been there too. Simultaneously, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am surrounded, every day, by wonderful people that love and support me. I am incredibly lucky and I don't take it for granted. I don't forget but sometimes, when someone is suddenly gone...you remember.

I thought I was ok then but this morning there is still a sadness lingering inside. I am incredibly impacted by loss. Any time I'm even slightly connected, I am sent into a vortex of remembrance. I recall every person I've known that's not here anymore. I instantly relive the pain I experienced at the time and feel an overwhelming need to help the people currently suffering. I know I can't do much-everyone needs to process loss differently and in the best way they can for themselves-but I want to.

A list forms in my head of all I've lost. From the time I was 4 and my grandfather died on Christmas, to the most recent loss of my beloved cat...I relive them all. But not always on the surface. If I could watch a sad movie, have a big cry and feel better, that's what I'd do. Sometimes, I don't even recognize that I feel sad.

I felt compassion for this young man's circle of people, and I felt sadness for those affected but I just...kept working, you know? I did my job, I discussed the circumstances, I comforted others and offered my ear, shoulder and heart to those that might need it. I did what I could. But my subconscious wasn't through.

Everything came out in my dreams. I woke this morning, terrified that all I loved was gone. My Fella, my Dad, my cats, my friends, my family, my job, my books....everything. It took way too long to wipe the dream away.

I guess this is my way of dealing with loss. But it doesn't feel healthy. I don't like that the list looms-even now. I don't like the feeling of helplessness that comes along with loss.

I went downstairs after waking from that dream this morning and found the Fella. He held me as I breathed through some tears. I went and cleaned the kitchen next, made some coffee. I found both of my cats and pet them, told them I loved them even as they squirmed from a hug. I sat down and I started writing this. To understand myself a little better. To try and get through the loss. To do whatever I have to do to shake that dream, the list.

Searc