Another Pep Blog

Occasionally I need to tell myself I don't suck. Sometimes it's more challenging than others because I can have a hard time finding the parts of me that I really enjoy. I know I'm a good person with good qualities, and I feel loved which is already miles ahead of where I used to be.

But sometimes, I just think-ugh. And I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I wince when I walk by my reflection. I wonder if the person in the car next to me is looking at my profile and thinking, 'Jesus, when did Jabba the Hutt learn to drive?'

I shave the hair off my fingers because I feel like a freak of nature if I don't. I obsessively pluck chin hairs and keep an eye on the seemingly ever present mustache.

I'm terrifically aware that my knees are pissed that I'm walking up and down stairs more often lately. I notice that I am slightly out of breath when I reach the top.

But I refuse to take the elevator.

Instead, I think about how I'm using the stairs all the time and I ignore the creaks in my knees. I focus on the fact that I'm finally driving and rock out with steering wheel thumps and leg bounces when my favorite song comes on. I remember I have jello and not a chocolate bar in my lunch box. It's still a sweet but it's better...I forgive myself because I'm trying.

I take a moment and make myself look back at my accomplishments instead of my failures. I forgive myself-sometimes begrudgingly and not right away-for mistakes I've made. I try to see a lesson in even the most painful errors.

I reflect on the many changes I've gone through and realize I might actually be the strong person others perceive me as. I work on taking compliments from people. I let myself try believing them and seeing what they see.

A lot of people don't understand how difficult it is to just be who you are. To accept yourself, love  yourself, celebrate yourself...It can be an intense struggle and I have been fighting my whole life. It's exhausting actually. And it's much easier to accept that your upper arms look like manatees and people think you look younger than you are because your fat smooths out the wrinkles. But when your mental health is better, not great, but better, you recognize that this kind of thinking is just destructive.

So I look for the things I like to try and pep myself up. I have nice eyes. I smile a lot. I'm kind. I'm humorous. I am friendly. I am respected. I am empathetic. That last one is kind of a double edged sword but the balance is just another challenge for me to conquer and I will always be ok with having feeling and being compassionate. I forgive myself because I'm trying.