Influential Overanalyzation

Michael C Hall is my spirit animal.

When I first saw him, he was David Fisher in Six Feet Under. I devoured the series right after my mom died. Made perfect sense to watch a show about a family living in a funeral parlor.

But now, Dexter. A serial killer and a character with some serious anger issues. I am currently devouring the series right after I broke up with X. Makes perfect sense to watch a show about a guy who is emotionally detached from everyone.

Or maybe it's James Gandolfini.

I met him as Tony Soprano. I devoured that series too right about the time my mom was the most sick and my dad was kind of not my biggest fan. Makes sense I'd watch a show with a brusque, authoritative,  father figure in the lead.


How much of that is actually true? How much of television, or music, or books...how much of it does it really influence on how we look at the world?


Fuck I hate doing laundry.

I'm waiting for the load to be done so I can take a shower and have clean clothes and then go to work and god can I not just be so...normal today?

I don't feel normal. I feel like I could cry any second and I'm fucking over that too.

Another Pep Blog

Occasionally I need to tell myself I don't suck. Sometimes it's more challenging than others because I can have a hard time finding the parts of me that I really enjoy. I know I'm a good person with good qualities, and I feel loved which is already miles ahead of where I used to be.

But sometimes, I just think-ugh. And I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I wince when I walk by my reflection. I wonder if the person in the car next to me is looking at my profile and thinking, 'Jesus, when did Jabba the Hutt learn to drive?'

I shave the hair off my fingers because I feel like a freak of nature if I don't. I obsessively pluck chin hairs and keep an eye on the seemingly ever present mustache.

I'm terrifically aware that my knees are pissed that I'm walking up and down stairs more often lately. I notice that I am slightly out of breath when I reach the top.

But I refuse to take the elevator.

Instead, I think about how I'm using the stairs all the time and I ignore the creaks in my knees. I focus on the fact that I'm finally driving and rock out with steering wheel thumps and leg bounces when my favorite song comes on. I remember I have jello and not a chocolate bar in my lunch box. It's still a sweet but it's better...I forgive myself because I'm trying.

I take a moment and make myself look back at my accomplishments instead of my failures. I forgive myself-sometimes begrudgingly and not right away-for mistakes I've made. I try to see a lesson in even the most painful errors.

I reflect on the many changes I've gone through and realize I might actually be the strong person others perceive me as. I work on taking compliments from people. I let myself try believing them and seeing what they see.

A lot of people don't understand how difficult it is to just be who you are. To accept yourself, love  yourself, celebrate yourself...It can be an intense struggle and I have been fighting my whole life. It's exhausting actually. And it's much easier to accept that your upper arms look like manatees and people think you look younger than you are because your fat smooths out the wrinkles. But when your mental health is better, not great, but better, you recognize that this kind of thinking is just destructive.

So I look for the things I like to try and pep myself up. I have nice eyes. I smile a lot. I'm kind. I'm humorous. I am friendly. I am respected. I am empathetic. That last one is kind of a double edged sword but the balance is just another challenge for me to conquer and I will always be ok with having feeling and being compassionate. I forgive myself because I'm trying.

Life is Good

So, some stuff happened.

That's why I haven't been writing-stuff was happening. Nothing bad, just....life-y.

I was talking to a friend earlier (well, texting because who talks on the phone anymore?) and it went like this:

Me: How ya feeling? Little fetus getting ready to head out? (She's pregnant and due to pop soon, so it's not really that weird)

Friend: He is enjoying his time in what will probably feel like more like space than anything else he ever feels in his life. He's hanging in there. 32 weeks tomorrow. I suddenly realized I'm having a baby so the nesting has started. I've been cleaning like a crazy person.
How is the new job? And the car? And the man? So awesome!


I reread her message and it hit me. She's asking me how my job is. And my car and my man. Me. The girl that never thought she'd be the kind of person, woman, I've turned out to be.

I never thought I'd have an office job. I worked in a restaurant off and on for over 12 years. I worked in a daycare for 3. I worked retail for 8. I even worked manual labor. The thought of being at a computer all day was so unfathomable. And I'm here, in human resources, and I couldn't be happier. I have routine, and set hours and clearly set expectations. I leave work and I'm done. I have an office, like my own office, with my name on the door and everything. I know how to use Excel and make PDF files and I can shoot off an email in seconds. I have gotten to know the copier/scanner thing downstairs and learned how to download, upload and search for a file I accidentally sent to the Recycle bin.

AND, I get to help people. I am able to be myself and answer questions and be around others that make me laugh. I feel challenged and appreciated. I sincerely hope that the temporary status changes to permanent. But, if it doesn't, I'm going to leave with my head high and crammed full of knowledge. And hopefully I'll leave something behind that wasn't there before, for the next person.

I'll just drive to the next place.  In my car. With my license tucked securely in my silly elephant wallet. I don't think people realize how huge this is for me. I was terrified to drive. I'd get extremely nervous even at just the thought of being behind the wheel. I'd tried several times before to learn and each time I just....couldn't. When I failed my driver's test the first time, I was disappointed and in the past, I might have given up. Instead, I allowed myself to be pissy and disappointed that I'd failed and then I just practiced more. Nailed it the second time.

Driving has given me an independence I didn't know I needed. It's literally forcing me to go out of my comfort zone. If I don't drive, I don't go to work and I have to go to work. So I conquered the freeway. Granted, it's a short trip, but I do it twice a day, five days a week.

I'm noticing things more. I'm beginning to understand road rage. I like to drive fast now-60 doesn't feel scary anymore now that I'm more comfortable behind the wheel. I can back out of a parking space without dread that I'll hit something and I've even parallel parked. On purpose.

The smallest things are exciting to me. I can't wait to go to a drive-thru coffee stand. I pumped my own gas the other day and felt like a rock star. I let someone in ahead of me and they waved thanks and it made me grin. I have driven in just about all kinds of weather now-torrential rain, spitty rain, snow, fog, sun...and I drove through a giant puddle of standing water but didn't hydroplane. I'm enjoying the driving thing.

And I'm enjoying The Fella. I'm quite lucky. He's supportive and kind. He makes me laugh and he likes my cats. And he loves me. I feel content and fulfilled and completely respected.

We went to a movie the other day and it felt like our first date all over again. He never ceases to make me feel special and even on the days when I have a hard time understanding why he loves me, I never doubt it.

So, some stuff is happening. And it's good stuff. Life-y stuff. The new job is good. It's challenging and I'm learning a lot. Driving and the car are good. I've named the little gray Honda "Sadie" and put lavender in her console. The Fella doesn't like it but it's my car now. He does like me and I know it and this weekend we're going on a date because he still thinks of things like that.

I guess you could say...life is good.

100

I was inspired by a friend that listed 100 resolutions for himself. That seemed like a lot but his list was so great. It ranged from exercising more to seeing a professional football game. I loved it.

I decided to make my own list. I don't necessarily believe in the whole New Year's Resolution thing but I like the idea of having goals for myself. Or reminders. So here goes....

100 Things I'm gonna Do for Myself This Year

1. Read more books
2. Learn more about the job I'm in
3. Help others
4. Drive by myself to nowhere places
5. Visit my Dad
6. Write regularly
7. Plant a garden
8. Learn Spanish
9. Cook more
10. Eat out more
11. Buy from the Farmer's Market
12. Educate myself about mental illness
13. Look for natural cures to things that ail me
14. Snuggle with my kitties more
15. Have weekend bbqs
16. Conquer a fear
17. Remember the good
18. Look back fondly
19. Look forward fearlessly
20. Reduce the sugars
21. Don't deny the sugars
22. Make the living room ours
23. Sleep better
24. Celebrate the little things
25. Fly my nerd flag proudly
26. Accept myself more
27. Say "I'm sorry" less
28. Take more photos
29. Print and frame my favorite photos
30. Travel somewhere I've never been
31. Revisit favorite places
32. Learn how to crochet, knit or something else crafty like that
33. Put money in my savings account and keep it there
34. Help dad organize his house
35. See the munchkins more
36. Invest in good bras
37. Invest in a good pair of shoes
38. Visit a psychic-just to see
39. Spend time in nature
40. Go to the museum
41. Take more walks
42. Push myself out of my comfort zone
43. Go to the doctor
44. Go to the dentist
45. Get a massage
46. Go to the movies with The Fella more
47. Lose one of the X's on my XXL tshirt
48. Car dance
49. Be ok with my emotions
50. Remember balance
51. Reduce the carbs
52. Indulge sometimes
53. Go to Comicon
54. Do something with the spare room
55. Get a hot tub
56. Listen
57. Redo the bathroom
58. Let myself cry
59. Eat more spinach
60. Figure out why I'm so congested all the time
61. Get a tattoo
62. Spend time with my cousin
63. Spend time with the godson
64. See my girls more often
65. Make new friends
66. Be nice to myself
67. Watch less bad TV
68. Try not to worry
69. Get an aquarium
70. Accept myself
71. Make the backyard all purty
72. Go to the movies by myself
73. Tell people I appreciate them
74. Go to a drag show
75. Have drinks with the old work gang
76. Do not give in to road rage
77. Go to the wolf rescue place
78. Go to a play/musical
79. Add to my Walking Dead graphic novel collection
80. Try to get published
81. Send cards
82. See the French Quarter in New Orleans
83. Read more trash mags because why not?
84. Make the front yard all purty
85. Embrace change with open arms
86. Use the power of Amazon
87. Go shopping in little shops of odd
88. Learn about crystals
89. Find a new necklace to wear
90. Speak my mind
91. Say no
92. Say yes
93. Try not to assume
94. Ask questions
95. Accept that things don't always happen the way you think they should
96. That's a big one-it gets two spots.
97. Join the community pool
98. Stay open about anxiety and depression
99. Understand they are not me, only a part and
100. Love myself, unconditionally

I started this list a few days ago, shortly after I read my friend's. But it took me awhile to finish it. Work and life and other such things got in the way. I think it's a good list. I think it was worth the time. Now I have a list of ideas to be a better me.