In the Dark

I feel stuck. I feel like life is just out of reach and I'm standing here, hands outstretched, just falling short of whatever it's supposed to be for me.

I have headaches and I cry and I eat or don't eat and I can feel sadness seeping in. I tell myself that I'm ok, that everything is fine, that I'm going to get through this but I don't know it.

I look around the house and notice dirt on the floor but walk past it. I see dust on shelves and think, I should clean, but I don't do it.

I peruse my bookshelves, longing for something to jump out at me and get angry because I can't buy anything new.

I look at job sites and scroll through offers, barely seeing the words because the thought of having an interview, getting a new job, starting over, scares me.

I don't know what I'm doing and sometimes, despite the love and happiness I have with my fella, I can't help thinking I was a bit foolish. How could I just up and move my everything without a plan?

The stupid part about all of this is that logically I know that if I'd just get up and try I'd feel better. I was fucking FINE just two days ago. I was strong and helped someone else feel better. But now, it's almost as though my body and mind have soaked in every sadness that there is and it's literally painful. My head aches and my eyes hurt.

I want to be alone but then when I am, I can't wait to have someone near me. I can't sleep except when I do and then it's hard and full of strange dreams.

I feel so lost and yet I know exactly where I am because I've been here before. How long before I'm out of the dark?