Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I need to break up with my former employer.

I don't mean that we were dating-ew-but I need to focus on moving forward instead of hoping I can still reach back.

I loved my job. Not every day because work, but I really did. I loved helping people learn and grow into themselves. I helped them see things differently and in turn, help others. I loved seeing that look of sudden understanding in their eyes or hearing them pass along a bit of wisdom I might have shared. It made me feel good and after a while,  I got pretty good at being a manager. The biggest part of that success was knowing that it wasn't about managing at all, but about leading.

I had respect for the company I worked for. I still do. I admired the owners and their ethics and was proud to tell people what I did for a living.

It became who I was.

I didn't know that until I wasn't there anymore and it hit me about a month or so after I got here. Maybe a little sooner-about the time that a long vacation would have ended if I'd been on vacation and not starting my life over.

When I left, I had hope that I'd be able to join the company again. I thought it would be perfect. A bit of home in a new place. But that fell through and suddenly I was filing for unemployment and searching job sites. I clung to the hope that something would come along that was just right for me and I could continue to be happy while making some income.

Not yet.

It's been over two months now since I left. I don't think they're going to call one day with a miracle offer of the perfect job. I need to accept that I left the company and move forward to other things.

It scares me shitless. I am thisclose to 40 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't just want a job, I want something I can be proud to say I do. I recognize how lucky I am that I have this time to find it. I am grateful that I have people in my life that support me as I find my way but...

Breaking up is hard to do. I miss my staff and the challenges that customers could bring. I miss the laughing and the crying too. I miss watching people learn.

So what do I do now? Look for a job that's not just a job. Continue learning how to drive and enjoying my new city.  And mourn. It's ok to miss my old job. I just can't dwell on what used to be. Gotta work on living in the now.