Hormonal Rant

This month's PMS bout is brought to you by the letters F and U.

I'm frustrated. I look every day for jobs and I've found a few that interest me but no response to my queries. Or I need a degree to pursue them. Or they're too far away-the bus system isn't all that awesome so I'm learning to drive but not there yet and so I'm stuck.

Need a job, need a car, need a job to afford a car, need the car to get to the job.

My boobs hurt like crazy this time around too. Seriously, going down the stairs is torture.

I can't ingest enough carbohydrates. I made banana bread this morning and then pancakes and I'm contemplating a toast sandwich for lunch.

EVERYTHING is annoying. The cats meowing, my plants not growing fast enough, children playing outside. I want to watch crime tv and root for the bad guy because fuck it. I have a permanent furrow to my brow and feel like if I were to actually speak to anyone I'd only be able to communicate with grunts and growls.

It's the job thing that's got me really down. I want money. I want to be able to go to lunch with my friends or buy a book if I want it. I want to be able to splurge and buy a new bra. Especially now when my boobs are screaming.

I thought I had something lined up but I put in the application almost two weeks ago and now I'm feeling discouraged by the lack of response. If I wanted to work at Best Buy or be a nurse I'd be able to jump on in but both of those options are unappealing for very different reasons. I know I'm lucky to even be able to take the time to be particular. I understand that while I might want to complete my Walking Dead collection, my immediate needs like having a home and groceries are being met. I'm not a total dick. But soon I will have bills piling up and I'll have to ask for help. I really hate that.

I thought I'd found something today and started filling out the application. I got all the way to the end before I saw a degree was needed. Instead of just clicking on to the next possibility, I started getting pissed at myself for not pursuing more of an education. I could hear friends and family telling me to go back to school because, "you're so smart!" or "you're so much better than retail/waiting tables" and it made me want to punch something.

I'm reading a book written by a friend. Someone I know has written, completed and published an actual book. I'm fiercely proud and jealous of her success. How can I do that? Where would I even start? What could I possibly publish that people would want to read? This blog doesn't count....does it? I doubt it.

I've been wanting to write something for a week and this is what comes out. Me bitching about PMS. I'm typing this at the dining room table, dodging the cats as they take turns walking across the keyboard half listening to motown. I just pulled the banana bread out of the oven and it smells like mom's kitchen throughout the house. It make me sad because that's part of this hormone bullshit too.

I feel like screaming and if it wouldn't make the neighbor dogs bark insanely I probably would but that would only annoy me. The cat that went awol a few days ago is still on lockdown and desperate to go outside. She spidermans the screen and the sound of her claws ticking up the door drives me insane.

I hate this.