Haunted

I haven't been in a lot of relationships and really, none of them were good. I didn't always know that while in them but you know hindsight-she's a hag.

My relationships haunt me. Sometimes I'll have a memory flit through my mind and feel like it's going to happen all over again.

The first boy that ever french kissed me was a 'bad boy' and extremely exciting. I was talking about him in class to a friend one day when the girl in front of me turned around. She asked me what his name was and shook her head. He was dating her cousin. He wasn't my boyfriend after all, he was someone else's.

My first boyfriend broke up with me shortly after I didn't put out during a healthy make out session. Less than a month later he was dating my best friend. Before we broke up though, he made sure to comment that I have hair on my lip and he could feel it when he kissed me, forever making me self conscious about it.

I fell for a guy when I was 18 and when you're 18, you fall HARD. He left for the military shortly after we met but when he came back we rekindled and he was perfect. Except that he absolutely wasn't. He was cheating with someone near his military base and then cheated again with a girl at a random party when he was home and then tried lying when I caught him.

We broke up and then later he asked for forgiveness and support during a hard time. I agreed and fell in love again because I wanted to. He bought me a locket and took me to a fancy dinner for my birthday. After the food and before dessert, he disappeared for 45 minutes, leaving me alone at the top of the Space Needle with a waitress that had sympathetic eyes. I was just contemplating finding a pay phone to call and have my dad pick me up when he came back as though nothing was wrong. When prodded why he was gone so long, he just smiled and shrugged. I still don't know where he went.

He cheated once more before I finally stopped trying.

I developed feelings for a couple guys online after that. It was much easier that way. They were far from me and couldn't see me. I was going through a dark period of my life, a familiar pattern, where I didn't like myself much. I was safe behind the screen, typing. I wouldn't get hurt that way.

I was wrong.

I liked him as a friend first, then quickly much more. He lived far away but not too far and he visited. We clicked instantly but he was there to take my roommate out. She told me he was 'too nice' and to go for it. I had no idea how and so we remained friends that eventually drifted apart.  

Years later we started talking again. We sent each other letters and talked on the phone. It wasn't long before I learned two things. He had gotten married and I was in love with him.

This was a weird thing for me. I knew it wasn't right, but I knew my feelings were true. He confessed he felt the same and then it was truly just torture.  After many months of hoping he'd leave her and knowing he wouldn't, I eventually let him go. He came to me after divorce was initiated. By her.  He told me after we'd spent a weekend together that he didn't feel the same as me. He broke me.

I had been friends with one guy since high school. We never dated, never even flirted. Our friends were dating each other so we were in the same circle. It wasn't until we were 21 and running into each other at the local pub all the time that we started to become more than friends. He had too many beers one night and confessed he'd thought of me every day since graduation. He had come back (from basic training) to look for me he said. And I melted. I allowed myself to believe that he might be the one I'd been waiting for. We spent months together, going out to eat, taking road trips to the ocean, watching tv or just sleeping next to each other in bed. We touched and flirted and then touched more. One night things came very close to forever severing the friend line and yet something held us back. In the morning he took me to work and then drove away with a wave and a smile. I never saw him again. He's now a Facebook friend I never talk to.


The first guy I slept with treated me like shit. He told me constantly that he didn't like me in 'that way' though his actions screamed otherwise. He told me he didn't want to be with me because of my appearance, because I wasn't sexually experienced for him, and because I didn't drive. All of the things that I struggled with about myself he pinpointed and highlighted as undesirable. I didn't know this at the time-I just agreed that those parts of me were awful. I felt ugly when I was with him. He openly flirted with other women when I was around and then he'd come home with me, cuddle up next to me on the couch, sleep next to me and with me, kiss me... I thought I only had to wait for him to realize that we were supposed to be together. This went on for years.

I fell into a deep depression. My mother was sick, I was terrifically unhappy in my job, I was in love with a man that said one thing and did another so I was confused and hurting too. I broke down one day and he left. He told me he didn't want to deal with me anymore and just...left me. I will never forget it. I was at the lowest part of my life at that point and he disappeared. Eventually I grew strong again but it took a long time. Years.

I was in a good place when I met the next man I lived with. He took care of me. He took me to concerts and plays and to the ocean. I enjoyed being around him and he made me laugh. We lived together for two years and not once shared intimacy. I wanted to. I tried talking about it with him and there was always an excuse. I thought maybe at one point he might be gay. I didn't even care, I just wanted to know. I walked into our bedroom once and caught him on the computer, masturbating. I'm no prude but he closed the laptop immediately and acted as though it hadn't happened. We were a couple and I didn't understand why he could perform a solo act but not with me.

Not too much longer an opportunity came that allowed me to break things off with him. It wasn't because I didn't like him or even love him because I did. But I felt like the invisible girl. He wasn't touching me or spending time with me like he used to. It was clear we weren't supposed to be a couple anymore.

So I was on my own again. Time passed and eventually I met the man that I would later identify as a sociopath. He was angry all the time. He hated people and couldn't find joy in anything, even if it was right in front of him. He was cruel to himself, he spoke cruelly of others and judged people instantly. He and I took a walk once and he stopped in front of a building. He looked me up and down, then did the same to our reflection. "Yeah, I think this will work." He was concerned with what others thought of our appearance together. I made a comment once about how I'd like to be healthier. Later that day a girl was in front of us and I remarked how her weight seemed a good goal to reach for. The young lady wasn't stick thin, she was healthy and I meant it only in conjunction with the comment I'd made earlier. "I'd probably want to fuck you more if you looked like that, " was his reply.

It took more than a year for me to realize that these kinds of comments were not complimentary. Seems silly now when I'm writing it but when you're in the midst of a relationship, you don't always see what you should. Thanksgiving with him was my moment of clarity and on the bus home I knew I didn't want to see him again. That I couldn't. If I stayed much longer, I'd lose myself completely and I'd come too far and been through too much.

I ended things before Christmas.

I am haunted by these men. I believe that each situation provided a learning experience and I can appreciate it now, looking back. But not without hurt.

Talking with dad the other day, he mentioned that he liked My Fella. He's never said that about any of the others. He told me it was because My Fella is a man who treats me well. It really is as simple as that.

I'm not stupid and even in the best moments with the men from my past, something told me they weren't right. There was always something and it's now, when there is nothing but total and complete honesty  do I know what it means to truly be in love.

I still cringe a little when I notice hair on my lip. If I walk into his office and The Fella turns his computer off suddenly, I might wonder for just a moment. When I'm feeling down, I worry that it will become an annoyance and he'll decide he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I am haunted.

But I know it's right. I have no doubt that he loves me completely. That he accepts me and supports me is also true and I know I'm lucky. I just didn't know relationships could be like this because I'd never had someone care for me in the way I needed. In the way I cared for them.