Caregiver

My therapist said I was a caregiver. He said I'd taken care of my parents and everyone else in my life that I never learned how to take care of myself.

When I hang out with my friends, I always tell them to drive safe when they leave. I tell them to take care in our goodbyes.  If something happens to them, if they die in some sort of freak accident-I'll have closure. I will have gotten to say goodbye. My friends would know I love them.

When I talk to my dad, we always end the phone call the same way. We say we love each other at the same time and then we laugh at it, take a moment to remember we only have each other. We wish each other a good day and say we love each other again, this time without the jinx. If something happens to him, if he dies in some sort of freak accident or because his heart is just...done-I'll have closure. I will have gotten to say goodbye. My dad would know I love him.


When I am alone with myself, I feel like I'm not always worthy. I feel ugly sometimes. I've felt sad, angry and small. I don't tell myself to take care or to ride safely when I get in a car. I eat badly most nights and ignore the things I don't want to deal with about myself. If something happened to me, if I died in some sort of freak accident-I wouldn't have closure. I wouldn't be able to tell myself that I'm gonna be ok. I wouldn't know I loved myself.

Take care Lindsay.

Walk home safely.

I love you.

It's time to start taking care of me.