The 45th Blog-A Ramble

My little cousin just posted about "Moves Like Jagger" and now that song is in my head.

I feel like I could put a bakery out of business today. Cream cheese danish? Yes, thank you. A doughnut? That depends, is there some sort of unidentifiable filling? Cookie? I'll have 2 please. Red velvet cupcake? Well, if you insist.

Goddammit.

Something's not right. I feel like there is something off with me and I can't figure it out. I don't want to psychoanalyze myself either.

It's feeling a little psycho and analytical. I think I've just accepted myself a little more. I feel a bit...subdued. That's how a coworker described me today and that's a perfect description. Subdued and a little cranky. My temper seems a bit short lately too.

And I feel a little sad. Like I might cry any second. I feel sad at the stupidest things. I cried at a Toddlers & Tiaras episode the other night. And while it's devastating that some mothers are doing that to their children, I can usually see the humor in their behavior.

I feel like I could sleep forever too.

All of the above are very common symptoms (and now I can hear myself slip into Retail Voice) of PMS (dog food allergy)

PMS? Ok, yeah.... I'll buy that. But it's not the right time for such a thing.

And they are also common symptoms of depression. No stranger to me. It is a vile enemy. I am constantly making sure it's not behind me, waiting to pounce and engulf me with sadness. I watch myself and I know myself. I know when it's  nature is taking it's course and if it is my mental state, altered with self induced anxiety. I call it a 'chemical imbalance spill.'

How does a woman  tell the difference between depression and PMS symptoms?


I'm sitting in a chair, my back and neck killing me when I remember, this chair has roll-y things in the back that massage at the flick of a switch. So I do and it starts purring, kneading my shoulders. I remember when I got this-a present for my birthday from the ex-boyfriend.     

That's twice I've thought of him today.     

I almost picked up the phone and texted. Texting is so helpful when you want to communicate but not really communicate. We didn't communicate very well anyway. A friend at lunch one day suggested that maybe he never really liked me to begin with. He was affectionate to his new girlfriend, she said. And now I wonder if maybe he bought me this massage chair thing just so he wouldn't have to touch me because he really never did.


Three times.

I don't want to text him anymore.

I want to eat the cinnamon roll that is calling to me from the kitchen counter. I want to eat the fuck out of that cinnamon roll.

So I'm gonna.