Perspective

I'm cranky. I don't want to be but there it is and yeah, pretty sure it has something to do with what time of the month it is but fuck you for thinking it.

Ok, no. I don't mean that.

Sigh.

I am extremely blessed that I am loved and have good friends, a job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I'm not sick with disease or crippled from injury. I know I'm going to be ok.

But tonight I'm cranky and the whole damn apartment smells like cat piss. I can't find all the places that are soiled and I'll be honest, sometimes I don't even care. I have stains on my carpet from cat puke, shit and the aforementioned piss. I should have the carpets cleaned but I can't afford a cleaner, either to rent or buy and truthfully when I actually find myself with a little extra cash I wanna buy a book or movie for myself not rent a fucking steam cleaner.

I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas. Awesome right? Except I can't use it because I don't have a router (wi-fi) and you know what? I don't even know what that means. I only know I need one to make the neat new gadget work.

A coworker gave me an aquarium that he didn't need anymore. Just a little one, big enough for a betta fish. It's got a lid so it's cat proof, comes with rocks and even a little castle. The only thing lacking is the fish.

I met this really nice guy. He was sweet and kind to me, told me he liked me and showed me he liked me too. I freaked out  and then second guessed myself. Despite assurance from friends that I did the right thing by saying I didn't want a relationship, I feel like crap that I might have hurt him.

Jesus, isn't that what I always bitch about? Being lonely and not having anyone to share my time with? I meet someone and it's still not right?  How the hell is that fair?

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I get it. No one ever said it was. No one said it was going to be easy.

But why couldn't it be? Why couldn't I actually make enough money to support myself and still have the things I'd like to have without bill collectors calling more than my friends? Why couldn't I meet a guy that has baggage that goes with mine? Why couldn't I just admit that things like happy endings don't exist?

It feels like all these....things, these pieces of my life, are incomplete. 

Dad says I have high standards and that there's nothing wrong with that. True. Unless they're not met and then you spend a lot of time being disappointed.


So how do you change that without compromising what you actually want? I feel that I'm mostly realistic-with a good healthy dollop of optimism. I like to believe there is good in everyone, that the world is not ugly.  But it really kind of is.

I guess that's not bad, it's just....real.

And sometimes it really fucking reeks of cat piss.