Missing

I miss Mom today. I do everyday but today while I was out for a walk I took my phone out to call her before I remembered I couldn't.

I hate that feeling. It's a tough one. Mom had been sick for so long but I still never thought she'd die.

I wanted to call her today and tell her that I'm doing pretty good right now. I wanted to tell her that I feel ok with work-confident again-and that I went to see Harry Potter this afternoon. I wanted to tell her that I finally feel at peace-at least a little-with being single again. And that a little was better than not at all. I wanted to tell her that I was planning on getting a haircut tomorrow and that her little sister finally joined Facebook. I wanted to tell her about the song I'm currently in love with and why it affected me so much. I wanted to tell her so many things....

I wanted to talk to her about how I still didn't understand men but that I was ok with that. At least for today and I wanted to hear her laugh.

Instead I have to try to remember. I have to remember her soft face and gentle blue eyes that always saw right through me. I have to remember how she used to sing while she washed the dishes or to get me to sleep. I have to remember how she smelled-her hair...long and thin but so soft. Hair she used to put across her top lip to kiss me goodnight so I would get a 'kiss from Dad' when he was away fishing. I have to remember trips to the library and stacks of books next to us on the couch, my little body curled up next to her while she read the stories.

I miss her so much. I wish all the time that I could see her just one more time.

I have friends that have had a loss like mine and when it's really bad, I'll sometimes reach out to them. Today I needed to. The response back to me was perfect.

"Your mom isn't here in person but she is in you a bunch!"

I think so too.