Life Now

 She said I was sad and it's true. I used to be happy and sarcastic and silly and I don't really recognize myself right now. I don't know how to get back. I honestly don't see how anyone can help. Or what I could do to feel more like I used to. Life is different now and I don't like how to live in it. 

I used to be so friendly. I wasn't worried what someone might think about my friendliness. I didn't worry they would think it was fake. Now I avoid people. 

I can't seem to be happy in my skin and just love myself as is. I don't like how I look at all. It makes me feel sad and frustrated and less than. Every time I eat anything I feel fat and guilty about it. Disgusted.

I think entirely too much about what others are thinking about me. 

I spent my whole childhood being told how special I was. The 'miracle baby'. Now I'm an adult and I suck just like everybody else. 

I can't decide if I want to be happy with how I am or if I'm angry for being what I am. 

The fairy tale isn't real. Disney has led us on for years. Relationships are nothing like they are on tv, in the movies, on social media. They're hard sometimes and you don't always like the person you're with even if you love them. 

If I just believe that no one with come through. Or that no one will be kind. Or that anything will work out, well I guess I can't be disappointed that way. Anything good then would be a surprise. 

I'm terrified of failure so I don't try. 

I'm afraid of people getting mad at me or being mean. It's why I don't speak up more. But I want to be brave. I want to say things like, "Fuck you. You're a dick and I don't have to take in what you're saying to me because it means NOTHING." I imagine saying something like that if I saw someone being bullied or treated unkindly. I want to be brave enough to do this without worrying about confrontation. I want to be brave enough to do the right thing. I used to be. 

Life right now is full of these kind of thoughts. I keep a notebook next to me all the time and I write the thoughts down so I can reread them and decide if they're true or not. They are. 

Sob Story

 I'm having a hard time. It's likely pms but I hate always having that as an excuse. Maybe I'm just sad. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling this way. I actually had a dark thought pass through while I was in the shower today. I looked at my body and started crying. It's not a pretty body and I can't seem to love it as it is. 

I have days where it doesn't seem to matter that much but then it does again and I can't seem to shake it. I have people around me, surrounding me with love and it should help but it doesn't. I can't seem to absorb their compliments. It doesn't feel like they're lying anymore which is better than how I used to feel. But I still can't let the kind words mean anything. 

It's not just my body. It's my hair too. And my face. My hair I miss so much. When it was long I could hide behind it. When I got it cut it was supposed to be this great symbol of new beginnings and instead it just made me feel ugly. My face has created more chins than I need and when I look at myself in the mirror, I want to cry then too. Damn video chat has become some sort of torture device. 

I can't find anything to do with myself. I have a jigsaw puzzle and my books and my husband but none of those things seem to be enough anymore. I went away for a few days to gaze at the ocean and feel her calm. It helped a little but every time I was out of the hotel room, I felt the anger and frustrations from those around me. It was just a little tourist town but it was full and I was contributing to it-felt hypocritical. 

I feel like I'm drifting away from my husband because all of the activities we usually have done together were cancelled. COVID is not just a pandemic. It's soul sucking. It's depressing and it puts strain everywhere. And I have it lucky. I don't have kids to try and explain it to or suddenly become a teacher for. I don't have a loved one in the hospital that I can't see. I am not homeless and I am not struggling with no longer having a job. 

That's another thing that I think about and kind of hate about myself right now. I can't work. I mean, physically I could but my mental health holds me back. And because of that, I don't even want to try anymore. When I allow myself to ponder the idea of getting back out there, my heart begins to race. I replay every scenario I went through when I was working and things were bad. I remember all of the harsh words, lack of encouragement, and political nonsense that evidently any corporation has. 

I know hate is a strong word and I don't want to use it when describing myself but there it is. It feels very much like there is no escaping these feelings and if it is just pms, well I hate that too. 

I just want to feel good again. 

I.A.S.

 It's hard to think of it as 'grooming' when you start it. He was 28, I was 17 and didn't care at all. My reasoning was that my parents were 11 years apart, so it clearly wasn't a big deal to have an age difference. And the longer we communicated, the more I was convinced I was falling in love. It always feels like love when you're 17. 

He was the overnight DJ on a radio station I listened to. One night I was up late, cleaning my room I think or just rearranging the posters on the wall-it doesn't matter. I called to request a song. Brown-Eyed Girl, 'because I am one'. And he played it. I called him back to say thank you and before I knew it, hours had gone by and it was nearing 6 o'clock in the morning and the end of his shift.  

I went to school floating that next day. I'd had one of those magical talk through the night conversations with someone that seemed to really get me and it was elating. I felt special. Someone seemed to like me for me. 

We talked every time he was working. I'd be put on hold while he addressed the listening audience and wait patiently for his attention to come back to me. He'd sometimes play songs he knew I liked just because he knew I liked them and I could feel myself liking him more and more. It was easy to do, and exciting. 

I told him where I worked and one night, he was there. We'd never seen each other but I just knew it was him. He was wearing Chucks and a band tshirt and flannel. The uniform of the 90s. He never said a word, just sat in my section. The hostess told me he'd asked for it and then I knew. I was bursting but so nervous to approach him first. 

Before he left, he came up to me and simply said 'Hi Lindsay' and handed me a letter. He told me to read it after he left. I was completely mystified and intrigued and smitten. He'd written me a letter! It was exactly what my 17 year old heart wanted. 

Inside the beautiful stationery were words that I had waited my whole teenage life wanting to hear. He'd written it BEFORE he saw me and that made it so special. He told me he was concerned about the age difference but that my maturity level made it easy to forget. He told me he loved talking to me and that I was the highlight of his day. He told me he hoped to meet my parents one day. I was over the moon and so happy. 

It didn't last. 

He didn't drive and neither did I but I had a friend that did and C helped us see each other by providing rides. She was there with us, IAS and I were never really alone. One night, IAS claimed to not be feeling well and C offered to take him home. I thought nothing of it. She was supposed to drop him off and then come back to my house to stay the night. 

I got in a terrible fight with my dad that night. It was the only time I left the house in anger. I had a friend come pick me up and I walked out the door in tears. After I'd been at my friend's house for awhile and calmed down from the fight with dad, I wanted to talk to IAS. Or C. I paged IAS but got no response. That was the way it used to be then. You just had to wait. I tried C to tell her I wasn't at home. Nothing. And that's when my brain started spinning. 

C was a year younger than me and we'd been friends for a couple of years. Long enough that I considered her one of my best friends. I trusted her. She'd been flirty with IAS but she was always flirty so again, I thought nothing of it. Until they didn't answer their phones. First I thought there was something wrong and then I felt something wasn't right. I knew where IAS lived and I asked my friend to take me by his place. I didn't know what I was going to do when I got there but something in my gut told me I needed to just go. 

The car ride downtown was filled with a pregnant silence. I just had a feeling, I just knew something was going on. Sure enough, when we drove by his place, C's car was parked out front. I could see the exhaust pluming from it so I knew she was in the car. I couldn't understand why she was still there but I wanted to just tell her not to go to my house.  

My friend parked her car down the street and I walked slowly to C's car. As I got near, I could see the windows were foggy and then I just...I didn't want to know. I ripped the passenger side door open and there he was. IAS and C were  holding hands and clearly had just pulled apart from one another. A million thoughts and feelings went through me. I was hurt, surprised, confused and jealous all at the same time. "It just happened, I'm sorry."  "We didn't plan for this to happen, it just did." They tried to explain but I just stood there, my heart breaking. Here was the guy I'd hoped for, longed for and finally had a chance to have, wrapped up with my best friend. I looked at her, saw her guilt and felt nothing. 

"I just wanted to tell you not to go to my house because I won't be there." I closed the passenger door and walked back to my friend's car. I was numb. My heart hurt. 

But I forgave them. Both. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't that big of a deal since IAS and I hadn't even kissed or anything. I made myself forget about the letter filled with promise and decided that I would be fine with them being a couple. Oh but I wasn't. Every time I saw them together my heart ached a little more. He started playing songs he knew she liked during his shift, sending out dedications to his 'sweet 16'. In order to show how 'ok' I was with everything I lied to my parents about where I was going and a bunch of us went and stayed the night at IAS's house. I lay there listening to C and IAS kissing and moving around on the bed in a way that was undeniable. I didn't sleep. I cried silently and asked myself over and over what I was doing there. I wanted to go so badly but I was stuck. I waited impatiently for the sun to rise so we could leave and I could go home to cry in my own bed. 

They dated for awhile. I know they had a sexual relationship. During the school day, I tried to be friends with C but couldn't handle listening to how amazing IAS was. It was a difficult time for me. I wasn't strong enough to stick up for myself, to say all the things I should have said. 

I look back on all of this and I can see how wrong it was. A 28 year old man had no business trying to woo a 17 year old with conversations and letters. And he certainly shouldn't have then moved on to my younger friend.  Eventually she dumped him for another guy and we never heard from him again. I changed radio stations to listen to at night but I held onto the letter for a long time. 

He'd made me feel wanted, desired. And it felt like C swooped in and took that all away. It hurt for a long time. I don't remember exactly what it was that made me stop having feelings for him-likely another boy, one my own age-but I got over him. 

I was watching a show the other day and the relationship was eerily similar to mine. I watched, nearly 30 years later and felt disgust. IAS should have known better. Even if I was the one who started it.