Forgiveness

This is what I felt. The words filled my mouth and I spit them out onto the screen, onto you. This is what I wanted to scream at you:

I forgave you. But I haven't forgotten. I wanted to but it's turned out to be much harder than I thought.

You hurt me. You fucking hurt me so much that more than a decade later it still hurts. Your apology seemed sincere at first, but then I remembered you don't know the meaning of the word. You're selfish and narcissistic and ugly inside. You have anger and hate in your heart that you proudly display.

You destroyed me. You killed my self esteem and any shred of confidence I had. I cried so often, it became strange when I didn't. You broke me. You made me feel that I was nothing and would never be anything to anyone.

And then, 13 years later, you said you were sorry. You told me you regretted what you'd been like with me. I want to believe you but I can't.

You say I'm important to you yet you have no interest in me. Since you've contacted me you haven't asked about me once. You only want to talk to me about your problems and your hatred to another person. You even asked me for a favor. Are you kidding?

I had deleted you from my life. I'd even gotten to a point where I could laugh a little at the bullshit you put me through before. But now it hurts again and all I want to do is hurt you. I don't want to play 'remember when' with you or talk about meeting up 'after all these years'. Fuck you.

You told me that someone said they disdain you. First, I don't think they used the word properly. You didn't when you relayed the story which only confirms that studying isn't something you did all these years. But the definition of the word is 'to think unworthy, to despise' and you know what? I bet they meant every breath of the word. You're not difficult to despise.

I don't like feeling this way about you. About anyone. But you ruined me on a level I didn't know was as deep as it is. Still, I forgave you. I'd hoped you'd changed like you said you had and once more, even after all these years, you proved me stupid for believing. Fuck you.

I decided this was something you needed to know. That our friendship was not capable of keeping any longer. Not for me. I decided to put myself before you and tell you everything I'd always wanted to say. I changed the words a little. I knew that if I sent it to you just like I'd written it you wouldn't see through the 'fuck yous' and the meaning of my words would get lost. They may anyway but at least I've given them to  you. I sent  you this instead: 

When you first contacted me, I said my hard feelings had faded but I was wrong. It's because I can't forget. You hurt me. You hurt me so much that more than a decade later it still hurts. You destroyed me. You killed my self esteem and any shred of confidence I had when we were together. I cried so often, it became strange when I didn't. You broke me. You made me feel that I was nothing and would never be anything to anyone. It took me years to work through that hurt and now it seems...there is still some left.

You say I'm important to you, that you are sorry you let me down. You didn't let me down, you hurt me. You told me I was never going to be good enough for you and said it so often I believed it. You were selfish, narcissistic and unkind to me. I didn't even see it until I wasn't with you and then, looking back, I was embarrassed and saddened.

Years passed and I had deleted you from my life. I'd even gotten to the point where I could laugh a little at the pain you put me through. But now it hurts all over again. I don't want to pretend that I'm ok with being friends again. I don't like feeling this way but you hurt me on a level I didn't know was as deep as it is. I wanted to forgive you but I can't forget. I'm sorry but I think it's best if you don't contact me anymore.

And even though I asked you not to, you responded with a letter than began, "Well that sucks..."  Then a lot of "I didn't know" and "I never meant to" but honestly that opening... I've sent it and this morning when I woke up, I knew there wouldn't be a message from you and it made my heart feel light. I let go. I forgave myself.