Bitch Fest

I have opinions. I used to share them a lot more. I don't know if I've stopped because I'm older or if I'm just scared of confrontation but I don't say as much as I feel.

Except here. This is my safe space and I'm going to let some shit out that's been building.

Fuck Trump. He's a terrible misinformed bigot that feeds anger and animosity to the world. He can't even form a sentence. He infuriates me with the decisions he makes because they are so self serving.

Speaking of self serving...people that aren't wearing masks are assholes. You're wearing a mask for other people not for yourself. Someone I know said, "my body, my choice" in regards to wearing one and I became incensed. Where were you when they were picketing abortion clinics? I hope your mantra is all inclusive. BUT it's not even about that! The guy at the tire place told me he couldn't wear one because he had a deviated septum and he would 'die' if he wore one because he breathes through his mouth. This 'logic' was so ridiculous to me I ignored it and went about my day.

My days. Well they're less than interesting. I usually get up, make breakfast, scroll and then read. Sometimes I skip the book and go straight into TV. Usually I wait until about 4 or so to light up but sometimes I don't make it that far. I'm bored. But I'm scared. Running the errand yesterday was scary. I felt anxious about being out in the world and that pissed me off, mixing with my fear. Hardly no one was wearing face masks. To me it's a sign of disrespect for all others. Great, you have tape on the floor. What about some other basic steps to help your fellow human be safe?

I miss my friends. I miss hugging them and bullshitting with them over pancakes or coffee. I miss wandering around Target with my girlfriends, buying things we don't really need but totally enabling each other because we can.

I want to go to all the places I've never been and only because I can't now. I miss being free and actually feeling that way.

I want to smack the tree bro guys behind my house. They have taken down 4 of the neighbor's trees and yes, I know it's not the tree bro guys fault. But listening to chainsaws for over a week and knowing that trees were killed for no reason breaks my heart. And I'm fairly certain that's why they're down. Now we can see more of the neighbor and no one wants that.

I don't know if I have a job still. My work isn't as it was before all this shit hit the fan and I wonder if I'll have a role when or if we can go back to 'normal'.

I have gained weight and feel like shit about it. And yet...do I do anything about it? Nope. Most days I don't even get off the chair except to go to the couch and lay down. Yesterday was the first time I've worn a bra in months. I couldn't fathom putting on jeans so I went with leggings. In public and I didn't give a shit. I guess I'm ok about my weight as long as I don't see myself. If only I didn't like food so much.

Is it depression? Who knows? Probably. Who cares?

I sit here, wondering about the state of things and trying not to cry. I don't have anything to look forward to. Our honeymoon was cancelled. The concert I was going to was 'postponed indefinitely' and my birthday will be just another day. I'm mad about it. Sad about it and completely helpless to it.

I have a friend that's suicidal. I have a neighbor that sucks. I have no motivation and I'm sad.

Fuck Trump. Fuck this virus. Fuck the tree bros. Fuck everything right now. I'm over it.