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We were friends in high school. Our circles often intersected and I thought he was cute but I thought other boys were too. He liked my friend, I liked his friend until we changed our minds and found other circles. High school.

When you turn 21 and don't leave the town you grew up in, going to the neighborhood bars becomes like a high school reunion. That was true for us anyway.

The tavern was next to the restaurant I worked in so it was easy to finish a shift and go next door to spend my tips. Many a night was spent there, playing pool with friends and singing along to shitty 90s music on the jukebox. I lived around the corner so I was often hosting after hours parties. I was pretty social. 

When he walked into the tavern, I noticed him immediately. He looked the same, but different too. Wiser somehow.  People I'd gone to school with were often popping in and out of our regular haunt so I wasn't too surprised. But I was definitely interested.

We ran into each other a few times. We drank, played pool. He lit my cigarettes, making me feel like a lady. We flirted but I didn't let myself feel too hopeful. I thought he was beautiful and the more I got to know him as a girl in her 20s instead of a girl in high school, the more I knew it. I felt my hope rise.

One night, he'd had more drinks than he usually did. The bar was loud. smoky. so we went outside to get some air. Air turned into kissing pretty quickly.  I didn't expect it. I had hoped, if I was being honest with myself, but I didn't expect it. It was perfect. I can still see his face. His eyes were intense, serious and pure.

He told me that night he'd always had feelings for me. All through school, after graduation and throughout the four years he was in the military. I felt like I was in a movie. I thought it couldn't be possible-for me to 'get the guy'. I was always the friend, the one that was safe to flirt with. Suddenly,  we had just moved into the 'more than friend' category. Standing in the cool summer night, I felt myself believe in romance, maybe even love, for the first time in a long time.

We spent a lot of time together after that. He was often waiting at my door when I got home, as eager to be with me as I was him. We pushed and teased and pulled and breathed into each other intensely, deeply, but never anything more. I was drunk with him.

One night he and I were in bed not sleeping when I realized I was ready to be with him completely. He felt the same and I told him what I wanted. He paused. I paused. We had nothing to be safe with and so...we didn't. Instead we lay next to each other, fully clothed, listening to each other breathing. Our hands stayed linked and eventually, we slept. It was both the longest and the shortest night.

He took me to work the next morning, kissed me goodbye and drove away. I never saw him again.

He didn't die or go back into the military. He abandoned my hope.

I tried calling him, he ignored the calls. This was before cell phones and pagers. This was leave a message after the beep, a message with my roommate, maybe try emailing me. And I did all of those things. He never returned my messages. I wrote an actual letter but that too, went unanswered. Time kept going and my heart stayed broken for a long time. I had so many questions but more than needing an answer, I needed the hurt to stop. I felt rejected, abandoned, betrayed. I had offered all of me and he ran.

Eventually, a friend told me they'd seen him with someone. She was an old girlfriend he'd once told me about. They were married soon after and are together still.

I know this because we're social media friends. Enough time had passed by the time all of that came around that when he requested, I clicked confirm. He doesn't post much. Mostly photos of beer. Occasionally an awkward selfie with the wife. He looks happy and I'm glad.

For other reasons too. The most recent picture I've seen was of his face. It didn't look the same. Older, not wiser now. And drunk. One of his eye lids drooped slightly, his once beautiful brown eyes bloodshot and bleary. For a moment I let myself wonder what if and then quickly realized I was glad they didn't.

The pain I felt when he left was heartbreaking. It took me a long time to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong and that he chose to leave for his own reasons, not because of who I was. I was deeply affected by his actions and the hurt left behind.

But I wouldn't change a thing.  I have learned who I am since then and that who I am will be right for the right person. Not just the person that's right there.

Being in your early 20s isn't that much different than high school really and I graduated a long time ago.