Emotional Girl

I get mushy. I tell people what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I do nice things for others because I genuinely enjoy making others happy. I cry when the underdog wins. I think about how others might respond to my words, or  my actions. I put myself in other people's shoes, walk around in them for miles and then back again. I am sensitive. I am thoughtful and caring. I am an emotional girl. I know this.

But tonight, I didn't trust it.

It wasn't the first time.

The Fella is in the next room, online with some of his friends. His laughter drifts from the open doorway and into the room I'm in. It's a great sound. When he laughs, my heart swells like the Grinch's at Christmas. I fall in love with him every time I hear it. My heart wants to tell him all of these things and before I can think of how to, my mind interrupts.

He doesn't care. If you told him all that, he would think you're 'over the top', 'too much', 'ridiculous'. That's what the others said.

My heart knows better. It really does. It knows that he loves me and would never say those things. But my mind, linked to the past so strongly, sometimes lies.

Once, in a conversation, the other person said, "I don't need people to like me, you know?"

My mind screamed, "She's talking about YOU!" It reached into my memories, gathered another comment from another time. "You're so fake. You're needy."

I doubt myself, my actions, my empathy. Am I really just an emotional girl? Or am I desperate, needy, aching for attention I haven't always had? I go so far into my thoughts I get lost. I hear things from my past. I feel them.

And I hesitate. I worry that what I want to say will be too much.

Sometimes.

I can also be strong. I can remember that I don't know how much time I have, how much anyone has. So why not share the thoughts? When I'm strong, I don't ignore the screaming past. Instead, I gently acknowledge it and mourn it healthily before moving on. I learn from it, and I listen. I don't have a choice sometimes.

Maybe I am over the top, too much, ridiculous. But not for those that count. Maybe not for me.