November 26th

I slept ok last night. Not perfect, not great. I made myself coffee, gathered my book and set myself up for a day of reading and relaxing.

Wasn't going to happen.

I couldn't concentrate. I thought about taking a shower but ultimately just threw on yesterday's clothes. I went out into the day with no plans.

It usually feels good to buy something for someone and while I'd already spent money this weekend on Christmas gifts, I decided to go to a store I'd never been to before.

The first thing I notice is how empty the parking lot is. Once I'm inside, the white tile floor is gleaming and bright, the music is blaring--a Christmas pop favorite for many. I try for a moment to enjoy the tune and just can't. I wander up and down every aisle, eventually settling on a couple of small items to take home. The girl at the checkout tells me the cart's wheels will lock if I take it outside the store so I steer it towards the corral. Another worker reaches for it, "I'll put that away for you love."

I call people 'love'. Or 'sweetie', 'hon'...years from waiting tables I suppose. And mom. She called people by similar pet names and it wasn't weird, it seemed natural. Like when the clerk said it.

I left the store and headed to a nearby park. I just wanted to be around trees and water. I found both and walked carefully around puddles for awhile. I took a few pictures of very green moss and bright red berries. They seemed to jump out of the gray landscape of tree branches at me. I walked with my hood off, anticipating drops to kiss my head. None came.

I slipped on the leaves, catching myself before the fall. A passerby states the obvious for me, "It's slippery. Be careful." I caught my breath and nodded. "Yes. Thanks." I kept looking for him  on the trail after that but never saw him again. He chose a different path.

It was quiet at the park. A few birds called to one another but I was alone with my thoughts. They started to get too loud so I turned back. A policeman, driving through the lot waved to me as I made my way to the car and I nodded to him. I should feel safe but I don't and anxiety starts mumbling in the back of my head. I unlock the door and get behind the wheel. Next to me, a woman sits in her car. We're both staring out the windshield at nothing. I go first.

I remember there's a coffee stand near and I turn into it. A bright yellow SUV is in front of me with a dog hanging out the back window. He's very happy to be in the car, happier still to get scritches from the barista. I wait patiently for my turn, smiling softly to myself. The dog is smiling too.

The SUV pulls away and it's my turn. The girl in the shack is nearly naked, wearing a pair of blue panties, a mesh top, her breasts decorated with gold pasties and a metal chain across her hips. I try not to look taken aback as she takes my order.

She's very sweet and I confess I didn't know it was a 'bikini barista'. She says a lot of people don't. I tell her as long as she's comfortable with it, happy, then it was no biggie to me. She hesitates only a moment and then tells me she didn't really want to do it but a friend talked her into it.

"I used to work at an old folks' home. But my friend said it would build up my confidence--see I have this scar--" She turns and shows me a scar that runs from just under her breasts to her pierced navel. I can tell there's a story there and she wants to tell it but another car pulls up and a guy in hunter orange leans out the window to leer at her. Next to him is a girl who doesn't look very excited to see the pretty blond barista.

She hands me my coffee, asks me if I like it while she gets my change. At the same time the guy in the truck is asking her if she knows a good place to go shooting. She rolls her eyes at me and smiles. I tell her to be safe and give her a big tip.

I'm ready to go home now and I head that way. A song comes on the radio that my mom loved and I let myself cry a bit as I sing along.

Just a day really. Nothing exciting. But every year I promise myself I'll do something she would want me to do. Today I spent time with nature, surrounded by glorious trees.  I refrained from judgment and showed kindness to a stranger. I smiled at a dog. All of these things remind me of her. And through the unexpected, "love" from the clerk, I heard her voice. I feel like she's always with me in some way, but today I needed the reminders.