Nonsense

I have no idea what to say. I just wanted to feel the keys under my fingertips so I grabbed the laptop and curled up in my chair. 

So often it starts this way. 

A lot of people asked me how my weekend was today. It was fine. 

I finished a book, read more. I had breakfast with my dad and my fella and bought my favorite red licorice from Trader Joe's. It snowed. I took a nap. And then another one later. 

I got up this morning and took a shower, went to work. Everything is very...normal right now. 

I have dinner plans with a friend tomorrow, therapy the next day. My friend's birthday is this weekend, my ex's kid turns 9 meaning it's been 4 years since I've seen him. It's good it's been that long. 

I looked up 'antifa' today. And 'impeachment'. Politics scare me. 

Sometimes I look at all the books I have and think I'll never read them all and it makes me sad. I think about death a lot and how it could happen any moment to anyone. 

In 20 days it will be 11 years since my mom died. I just told the fella about that day. Sometimes I feel like I talk about it all the time, sometimes I feel like I need to tell the story again and again. 

I think about her in the strangest times. Like when I'm pulling a rouge hair from my chin. She asked me once if I would pluck the hairs from her chin when she was in the hospital and I did it without even thinking about it. She was embarrassed about them and now, with my own 40 year old facial hair...I understand. 

I keep trying to take a good selfie. But...why? Why try I mean. Just take it. It's my face, it's what it is and it's not changing. Well, maybe a little but the eyes, nose, mouth stuff is the same. I'll probably get more wrinkles around my eyes but those are from laughing. I don't mind those. I don't mind my grey hair either. I don't have much but once in awhile a strand makes itself known and I get so excited about it. I earned those grey hairs. Life hasn't always been easy. It's been stressful and mean and so tiring. Grey hairs are proof I got through. Just take the selfie. 

I love how different me and the Fella are. We are the same in the parts that really count. In our hearts, our values...we listen to each other and communicate. Sometimes, when he's immersed in a fantasy role playing game and I'm watching my true crime, I can see how different we are. But then he'll tell me a story about a woman impregnated by a sky demon and I'll tell him about a guy that ate his victims and we realize we're both a little fucked up and it works.

I have no idea what to say. I'm just happy sitting here, jotting down random thoughts as they come. But I'm hungry. And tonight we watch zombies-another things that works for us. I think we're both coming down with colds which sucks but is inevitable. 

I'm trying to figure out how to stop this blog post and realize I don't have to have a rea---