I don't do well with change. I used to think I did and in fact was in denial for a long time. It's much more cool to be able to go with the flow after all. But the older I get, the more I get to know myself and it turns out I just really have a hard time with transition and change and adjustment to new things.
In the last 6 months or so, I had my job position changed, got a new boss, had my job position change again, and moved out of my office into an open cubicle.
It's weird how something like that can affect you.
It's not all bad, truly. Getting a new boss helped me see that the position I was in needed to change. She made me look within myself and find my strengths so I could be successful. A lot of reflection on what I like to do, who I am and how I like to help others led me to my new title and I'm excited about it.
But...it's new. It's new to me and to the company. This position is one that I will have to literally help build and that's a bit overwhelming if I'm being honest. I do well with someone telling me what to do. I do a little better when I can tell (teach) others what to do. This position is a bit of both and it's very new. It's forcing me to learn differently too which I recognize is also not a bad thing. But again, it's different. It's a change and it's taking time to adjust to.
Moving out of my office was something I expected. I didn't particularly like my office space, but I liked my office because I'd truly made it mine. I surrounded myself with photos, post-it notes left from friends, pictures of happy things and just...my stuff. It was a cozy little nook and I had to prepare to let it go. I was a little butt hurt at first about it. A little bit of that, 'But whyyyy?' before I let it go and embraced the new space. And I really have. First, it's bigger. And my stuff is still there. People stop and chat with me more often which is also nice. But it's an adjustment too. Because I'm out in the open, I have to be more aware of what I leave on my desk. And since I share a room with several others, I don't have a light to turn off, or a door to close when I leave.
Today I felt off. I didn't feel well yesterday and today is one day closer to the day mom died. Last night I had nightmares so I didn't sleep well. There were several factors. But I have a project I'm working on and I really want to do a good job. I had a meeting scheduled with my boss to discuss the steps and somewhere along the line I misunderstood what she'd wanted from me. I ended up feeling very unprepared and a little stupid. Rational? Not really, but there it was. We were not able to click when we normally have no trouble and I eventually just looked at her and said, "I'm so sorry but my brain is just not at full capacity today." Thankfully, she's understanding and just smiled, told me not to worry about it.
But I do, because that's something that won't change. I'm trying new ways to look at the world. I'm trying to acknowledge feelings, accept them and then move forward. And I'm trying to be gentle with myself, especially this time of year.
I would get so angry at not being able to adjust to change faster, better. I'd get frustrated that I wasn't able to move past an old haunt or that my mind would get clouded when I tried to solve problems that hadn't even surfaced. I don't like feeling that I'm not confident, sure, or able to understand everything and anything that might come my way. In short, I guess...well, I'd be pissed I wasn't what I considered perfect.
But change doesn't allow for that. Adjustment, transition, none of that is perfect. A continuous fluctuation of LIFE cannot be perfect. It can only be what it is and I can only remind myself it's ok to have off days, to not understand, or to leave the light on at the end of the day. It's ok to fight the change a little, for me, that's a normal reaction. As long as I learn to eventually embrace it, I think I'll be ok.
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