November 26th

I slept ok last night. Not perfect, not great. I made myself coffee, gathered my book and set myself up for a day of reading and relaxing.

Wasn't going to happen.

I couldn't concentrate. I thought about taking a shower but ultimately just threw on yesterday's clothes. I went out into the day with no plans.

It usually feels good to buy something for someone and while I'd already spent money this weekend on Christmas gifts, I decided to go to a store I'd never been to before.

The first thing I notice is how empty the parking lot is. Once I'm inside, the white tile floor is gleaming and bright, the music is blaring--a Christmas pop favorite for many. I try for a moment to enjoy the tune and just can't. I wander up and down every aisle, eventually settling on a couple of small items to take home. The girl at the checkout tells me the cart's wheels will lock if I take it outside the store so I steer it towards the corral. Another worker reaches for it, "I'll put that away for you love."

I call people 'love'. Or 'sweetie', 'hon'...years from waiting tables I suppose. And mom. She called people by similar pet names and it wasn't weird, it seemed natural. Like when the clerk said it.

I left the store and headed to a nearby park. I just wanted to be around trees and water. I found both and walked carefully around puddles for awhile. I took a few pictures of very green moss and bright red berries. They seemed to jump out of the gray landscape of tree branches at me. I walked with my hood off, anticipating drops to kiss my head. None came.

I slipped on the leaves, catching myself before the fall. A passerby states the obvious for me, "It's slippery. Be careful." I caught my breath and nodded. "Yes. Thanks." I kept looking for him  on the trail after that but never saw him again. He chose a different path.

It was quiet at the park. A few birds called to one another but I was alone with my thoughts. They started to get too loud so I turned back. A policeman, driving through the lot waved to me as I made my way to the car and I nodded to him. I should feel safe but I don't and anxiety starts mumbling in the back of my head. I unlock the door and get behind the wheel. Next to me, a woman sits in her car. We're both staring out the windshield at nothing. I go first.

I remember there's a coffee stand near and I turn into it. A bright yellow SUV is in front of me with a dog hanging out the back window. He's very happy to be in the car, happier still to get scritches from the barista. I wait patiently for my turn, smiling softly to myself. The dog is smiling too.

The SUV pulls away and it's my turn. The girl in the shack is nearly naked, wearing a pair of blue panties, a mesh top, her breasts decorated with gold pasties and a metal chain across her hips. I try not to look taken aback as she takes my order.

She's very sweet and I confess I didn't know it was a 'bikini barista'. She says a lot of people don't. I tell her as long as she's comfortable with it, happy, then it was no biggie to me. She hesitates only a moment and then tells me she didn't really want to do it but a friend talked her into it.

"I used to work at an old folks' home. But my friend said it would build up my confidence--see I have this scar--" She turns and shows me a scar that runs from just under her breasts to her pierced navel. I can tell there's a story there and she wants to tell it but another car pulls up and a guy in hunter orange leans out the window to leer at her. Next to him is a girl who doesn't look very excited to see the pretty blond barista.

She hands me my coffee, asks me if I like it while she gets my change. At the same time the guy in the truck is asking her if she knows a good place to go shooting. She rolls her eyes at me and smiles. I tell her to be safe and give her a big tip.

I'm ready to go home now and I head that way. A song comes on the radio that my mom loved and I let myself cry a bit as I sing along.

Just a day really. Nothing exciting. But every year I promise myself I'll do something she would want me to do. Today I spent time with nature, surrounded by glorious trees.  I refrained from judgment and showed kindness to a stranger. I smiled at a dog. All of these things remind me of her. And through the unexpected, "love" from the clerk, I heard her voice. I feel like she's always with me in some way, but today I needed the reminders.

Adjustment, Transition and Change, oh my!

I don't do well with change. I used to think I did and in fact was in denial for a long time. It's much more cool to be able to go with the flow after all. But the older I get, the more I get to know myself and it turns out I just really have a hard time with transition and change and adjustment to new things.

In the last 6 months or so, I had my job position changed, got a new boss, had my job position change again, and moved out of my office into an open cubicle.

It's weird how something like that can affect you.

It's not all bad, truly. Getting a new boss helped me see that the position I was in needed to change. She made me look within myself and find my strengths so I could be successful. A lot of reflection on what I like to do, who I am and how I like to help others led me to my new title and I'm excited about it.

But...it's new. It's new to me and to the company. This position is one that I will have to literally help build and that's a bit overwhelming if I'm being honest. I do well with someone telling me what to do. I do a little better when I can tell (teach) others what to do. This position is a bit of both and it's very new. It's forcing me to learn differently too which I recognize is also not a bad thing. But again, it's different. It's a change and it's taking time to adjust to.

Moving out of my office was something I expected. I didn't particularly like my office space, but I liked my office because I'd truly made it mine. I surrounded myself with photos, post-it notes left from friends, pictures of happy things and just...my stuff. It was a cozy little nook and I had to prepare to let it go. I was a little butt hurt at first about it. A little bit of that, 'But whyyyy?' before I let it go and embraced the new space.  And I really have. First, it's bigger. And my stuff is still there. People stop and chat with me more often which is also nice. But it's an adjustment too. Because I'm out in the open, I have to be more aware of what I leave on my desk. And since I share a room with several others, I don't have a light to turn off, or a door to close when I leave.

Today I felt off. I didn't feel well yesterday and today is one day closer to the day mom died. Last night I had nightmares so I didn't sleep well. There were several factors. But I have a project I'm working on and I really want to do a good job. I had a meeting scheduled with my boss to discuss the steps and somewhere along the line I misunderstood what she'd wanted from me. I ended up feeling very unprepared and a little stupid. Rational? Not really, but there it was. We were not able to click when we normally have no trouble and I eventually just looked at her and said, "I'm so sorry but my brain is just not at full capacity today." Thankfully, she's understanding and just smiled, told me not to worry about it.

But I do, because that's something that won't change. I'm trying new ways to look at the world. I'm trying to acknowledge feelings, accept them and then move forward. And I'm trying to be gentle with myself, especially this time of year.

I would get so angry at not being able to adjust to change faster, better. I'd get frustrated that I wasn't able to move past an old haunt or that my mind would get clouded when I tried to solve problems that hadn't even surfaced. I don't like feeling that I'm not confident, sure, or able to understand everything and anything that might come my way. In short, I guess...well, I'd be pissed I wasn't what I considered perfect.

But change doesn't allow for that. Adjustment, transition, none of that is perfect. A continuous fluctuation of LIFE cannot be perfect. It can only be what it is and I can only remind myself it's ok to have off days, to not understand, or to leave the light on at the end of the day. It's ok to fight the change a little, for me, that's a normal reaction. As long as I learn to eventually embrace it, I think I'll be ok.

Nonsense

I have no idea what to say. I just wanted to feel the keys under my fingertips so I grabbed the laptop and curled up in my chair. 

So often it starts this way. 

A lot of people asked me how my weekend was today. It was fine. 

I finished a book, read more. I had breakfast with my dad and my fella and bought my favorite red licorice from Trader Joe's. It snowed. I took a nap. And then another one later. 

I got up this morning and took a shower, went to work. Everything is very...normal right now. 

I have dinner plans with a friend tomorrow, therapy the next day. My friend's birthday is this weekend, my ex's kid turns 9 meaning it's been 4 years since I've seen him. It's good it's been that long. 

I looked up 'antifa' today. And 'impeachment'. Politics scare me. 

Sometimes I look at all the books I have and think I'll never read them all and it makes me sad. I think about death a lot and how it could happen any moment to anyone. 

In 20 days it will be 11 years since my mom died. I just told the fella about that day. Sometimes I feel like I talk about it all the time, sometimes I feel like I need to tell the story again and again. 

I think about her in the strangest times. Like when I'm pulling a rouge hair from my chin. She asked me once if I would pluck the hairs from her chin when she was in the hospital and I did it without even thinking about it. She was embarrassed about them and now, with my own 40 year old facial hair...I understand. 

I keep trying to take a good selfie. But...why? Why try I mean. Just take it. It's my face, it's what it is and it's not changing. Well, maybe a little but the eyes, nose, mouth stuff is the same. I'll probably get more wrinkles around my eyes but those are from laughing. I don't mind those. I don't mind my grey hair either. I don't have much but once in awhile a strand makes itself known and I get so excited about it. I earned those grey hairs. Life hasn't always been easy. It's been stressful and mean and so tiring. Grey hairs are proof I got through. Just take the selfie. 

I love how different me and the Fella are. We are the same in the parts that really count. In our hearts, our values...we listen to each other and communicate. Sometimes, when he's immersed in a fantasy role playing game and I'm watching my true crime, I can see how different we are. But then he'll tell me a story about a woman impregnated by a sky demon and I'll tell him about a guy that ate his victims and we realize we're both a little fucked up and it works.

I have no idea what to say. I'm just happy sitting here, jotting down random thoughts as they come. But I'm hungry. And tonight we watch zombies-another things that works for us. I think we're both coming down with colds which sucks but is inevitable. 

I'm trying to figure out how to stop this blog post and realize I don't have to have a rea---