Kinda the Same

I don't go there much anymore. I found myself identifying too close to some of the others. I'd hear memories and stories and want so badly to take everyone's pain, knowing there was no way I could.

It only enhanced my own pain so... I ran from it.

Loss & Abandonment Issues haunted me for a while. Now they're shifting into Anxiety.

I was standing next to my boyfriend while he was reading something and he exclaimed in surprise. I jumped, hoped he wouldn't notice.

At work I pause and listen at blind corners so I don't get frightened by someone coming down the hallway.

Every child laughing outside sounds like a cat's cry. I stop, listening and trying to decide if it's one or the other... every single time.

I feel like I'm trapped in a glass box and I can't stop looking around me at all sides. A goldfish frantic in its bowl.

Sadness is hanging in there too, dancing with The Unknown and making lumps form in the back of my throat. My eyes stay puffy with lack of sleep and tearful moments.  I turn down my street and my heart sags. I turn my music up to try and drown out...everything.

I tell everyone I'm working on being stronger when really I feel I'm succumbing to my own weakness. I know this is temporary. I'm clear-headed and recognize that I'm going to get through all the emotions. I always do. So for now...

I'm painting, writing, coloring... tonight I sewed. Anything to make myself feel secure, calm, happy, content.

If It Ain't Broke

I don't like it when I can't fix it. Doesn't matter what it is but I need to be able to find a solution. I need to try different things or use examples or put forth every effort in successfully mending whatever is broken. And I don't like it when I can't.

I don't get angry or mad. Hardly ever. If something irks me, that irk turns into annoyance, then full on dislike. I generally shift to frustration next, and then I feel dispirited...and then on to sadness. I usually cry. I feel extra sensitive about...anything. And I feel like I'm saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong things and that everything is my fault. In short, I internalize whatever has irked me. I feel sad that it happened, or dispirited. I often take things personally when it literally has nothing to do with me.

I'm learning how to handle it but it's a long lesson. I suspect even life long which you know, is kinda disheartening for a person that likes to fix things, needs results, looks for closure.

The Fella doesn't get upset or sad. Hardly ever. Instead, he gets angry. A storm brews inside him and he yells. Never at me. At inanimate objects, at other drivers, at the pain he's in.  When this happens, when he feels this way, I can't fix it. I have to let him be who he is and there have been several times I've noticed the annoyance in him begin when I've suggested things to do to 'help'.  It's not his fault. I get it. It's just like someone telling me, "Oh just let it go. Or..."This too shall pass."

I might know that 'letting it go' is a better idea than dwelling on it.  Or remembering that 'it too shall pass' is better than believing it won't. But it's not as easy as all that when you're in the midst of an emotional ride.

I like to problem solve. I like to fix, take care of, people please. It's my very nature. And when I feel like I can't do that...when I can't make things ok again, it makes me feel worthless, pointless, unimportant. I'm not able to do the one thing that I think I'm really good at and I don't like it.

Gonna Be Alright

I'm fucking irritated. I'm jumpy. I'm sad. I'm annoyed because I'm all of these things. I feel like I could punch someone and I've never once hit anyone before.

I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm tired of life being shitty and not being able to do anything about it. I'm annoyed that it's almost 11 at night and I'm not asleep. I jumped because the stupid air conditioner kicked on, blasting air into the silent room and I hate being jumpy. I'm sad because this last week has had too much loss in it and I'm annoyed that I feel all of these things.

I can feel myself scowling. I can hear my tone of voice carry an edge. I can see the puffy eyes and feel the tension behind them. I can feel my fingers touching the keys but I don't know what I'm saying.

My uncle died. He had pancreatic cancer and had been ill for 7 months. Off and on his health waned, cancer slowing eating his life. I didn't know. When I found out, I heard the pain in my dad's voice and felt angry at the unfairness of death.  Dad had just come from the wake of a friend and was already in mourning. He was already in pain, remembering all others that are now gone.  Loss.

My sleep sucks. It's not happening much and when it does, it's filled with dreams that I don't want to talk about. I woke the other day, crying. The Fella was home but was on his way out and something as simple as him not saying goodbye launched me into a panic. My mind immediately went to a place of ridiculous thought about Loss' pal Abandonment. He had gone to the store, but it felt like he'd left me.

My cat is missing. She just didn't come home and it's breaking my heart. The not knowing what happened, where she is...it's unbelievable how much it affects everything else. That feeling is why I started at the sound of the AC kicking on. Anxiety.

Yet despite all of the annoyances that come with having, well, emotions...I can identify them and that's something kind of new for me. I can tell I'm sad, but I'm not depressed. I've cried every day this week but I'm still functioning. I can tell I'm irritable, but that the  scowling is mostly from lack of sleep. I can tell I'm anxious, a result of changes and the unknown.

I can identify why some things make me feel certain ways and for me, understanding the 'why' is how I get through it, whatever 'it' is.

Unlike this post. I have no idea what it really says, what it means or why I felt I needed to write it but here it is. It's a lot shorter than the one I wrote earlier but I'm not ready to share that one yet.

I guess the gist is: I'm going through some shit right now....but I'm gonna be ok.