Clouded

Why is it so much easier to help someone else than it is to help yourself? 

Why do you tell yourself you're fine when you're not?

Why is it so hard to believe it when someone compliments you?

Why do you put everyone before yourself?

Why do you struggle to remember that you don't have to be perfect?

Because someone made you feel you had to be. You put everyone first because it makes them happy and no one gets mad and there is peace. You don't believe compliments because they aren't something you're used to. You tell yourself you're fine because you really want to be. And it's easier to help someone else simply because it's not you. 

Getting too focused on your own troubles brings insanity and a break feels inevitable. Sometimes you look for issues to discuss, just so they are not your own. Just so you can have a minute of peace. 

When even the smallest issue is enormous, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Saying you're fine and smiling when you want to cry is a challenge like no other. It's not a feeling you can wish away or wait out. You are forced to make a decision about yourself and either you fight it or you succumb to it. 

I fight. I get back up and I try again. I cry and I scream and I desperately try to understand and when I feel like I can't take anymore, I push a bit more and fight a little longer. 

It makes me tired. 

It makes me feel like I need to say I'm sorry all the time. As though this fight inside was hurting someone else. As if having emotions and being sensitive...makes others feel uncomfortable. I feel like if I lose the fight, it makes me look weak, it's shows I'm imperfect, it's putting my own feelings before anyone else's and I should be sorry. I shouldn't let someone else fight my battles.

  

So I smile even if I feel like crying. And I ask how your weekend was and how your kids are and how that project is going and I always bring the subject back to you so that I don't have to think about 

Why it's so much easier to help someone else than it is to help myself. 

Why I tell myself I'm fine when I'm not.

Why it's hard to believe when someone compliments me.

Why I put everyone before myself.

Why I struggle to remember I don't have to be perfect.