I've had a lot of things happen in my life that weren't good. Sometimes it feels like they play over in my head like end credits of a movie and my mind starts flooding with every tragic moment.
I see my experiences as a list of things that have helped shape me. I write it now not to be reminded of every painful situation but to try and remove them from my mind. For the credits to fade into black. t
1. The first thing I remember is my grandfather dying when I was four. It was Christmas Eve and the holiday was never the same after that. He had a brain tumor and I remember a big red X on his bald head, marking where the surgery had been to remove it-too late. I also remember seeing the white sheet pulled over his body. He was in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room, the Christmas tree lights casting an oddly comforting glow. I wanted to look under the sheet but no one let me. I remember my grandmother crying, my mother and father holding each other and lots of emergency technicians milling about. White coated doctors and nurses from the hospice and EMTs. I wandered under their feet, lost in the intense sad chaos that my family was in, too young to fully understand. I had nightmares for years about giants stealing me in the middle of the night.
2. I was incredibly fearful of sirens and had nightmares that haunted me for years in my young childhood. I believe it was in part from being there that Christmas.
3. At a young age-perhaps about 6, the neighbor boy played doctor with me. My father was enraged and we moved soon after. Not because of the boy, because we were kicked out of our rental house. I pretended it was because of the boy. We'd been under the porch where it was dark and smelled like dirt. It was more of a 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' kind of thing until he touched me. When my parents went to kiss me good night I recoiled and they eventually got me to tell them what had happened. My father went to the boy's father and I don't know what happened, but I heard him yelling from under my covers in my bedroom. I was terrified that what I'd done was the source of his rage.
4. My dog and my cat were run over and killed shortly after moving in to the new house. Both of them were named Muffin. I had other pets-a dog and two cats. The dog adopted my mother and after I moved out and my parents were evicted, they left the cats behind.
5. The house I grew up in had black mold on the walls. The mold climbed from the floor to the middle of the walls in some places and I tried to cover it with posters. There were only two wall heaters for the whole house, windows that were falling off the hinges, holes in the floor where the wood had rotted through and no insulation. I was cold a lot. We were broken into several times-it wasn't a good neighborhood. There was one instance when we came in through the front door while the robber was running out the back. He stole my mother's jewelry and broke a box my grandfather had made. She cried for days. Once we came home to find a snake in the middle of the living room.
6. I lived on an alley that I walked up and down countless times. Two girls lived along the alley, one on each end. They were cruel to me, calling me names and telling me things like, "You'd be pretty if you weren't so fat." I didn't know that wasn't right. They would tell me that my dolls were alive but that they only moved when I wasn't in the room because they didn't like me.
7. In fifth and sixth grade I learned about drugs and alcohol, specifically the DARE program. I was enthusiastic and excited to participate in the war on drugs. I made flyers about the dangers of smoking and drinking and put them in people's mailboxes. I went to both of my parents individually and expressed concern about the other's habits. Both parent said the same thing, "Ok honey, I'll talk to them" but did nothing different. I grew up surrounded by alcohol and drugs.
8. When I was 15 I had what I can only describe as a panic attack while staying overnight at a friend's house. In a moment, I remembered every painful moment I had blocked from younger years involving the sons of my parents' friends. I didn't talk about it for another seven years and that was only after I was found clutching a bottle of pills.
9. My mother would get drunk and fall or run into things. She broke her leg, foot, toe several times. She was diabetic and didn't take care of herself. One summer evening she took me on a "treat run". A spontaneous trip to get ice cream. She'd been drinking and we hit a parked car. While we were out trying to find the owner, someone stole my ice cream from the car's open window.
10. The people working at the liquor store knew our name because of her shopping frequency. I can still remember the way the store smelled, see the bottles on the shelves.
11. My father would often call from the bar and my mother would tell him not to drive. She'd hang up and be angry or cry. A little later we would hear his Cadillac rumble up the driveway. She was fine then.
12. When I was very little the police followed my father home because he'd hit a pedestrian while driving drunk. I remember him frantically drinking mouthwash to kill the smell of booze before they arrested him. I was three.
13. He passed out in his chair once with a little cigarette and nearly lit himself on fire. He still does it. This last Christmas I bought him a new bathrobe. He said it was good timing since he'd burned so many holes in the old one.
14. My grandfather was in town for a visit and dad took him out. They came home drunk and grandpa fell. They all laughed at me when I cried. That was the last time I saw him-he died a few months later. I didn't go to the funeral because I was mad that the last memory I had of him was his mocking laughter.
15. The neighbor kid was mentally challenged and he used to chase me, naked, demanding I look at him. When I told my mom I didn't want to go to their house anymore, she told me he was 'special' and didn't understand. She made me go anyway.
16. Every boy I have ever dated cheated or dumped me for a friend until I was in my early 30s. Every. Single. One.
17. I failed driver's education in high school. My parents refused to pay for another course. My dad told me they had bought me a car but were returning it because I failed.
18. My father would come home drunk and try to box with me, or he'd fight with me verbally. He treated me like one of his cronies-guys that he surrounded himself with. My mother's reaction was always,"now now, that's enough." She didn't try to stop it.
19. My friends loved my mom because she let us smoke and cuss. They were afraid of my father and would often ask if he'd be there before deciding on if they'd come over.
20. The mother of the sons that hurt me committed suicide and I was forced to go to the viewing. She was short and wearing cowboy boots and very dead. I can still see her face.
21. I have been in no less than 10 car accidents and maybe more than that. I lost track. I was never driving the car.
22. My grandmother threw me in the deep end of the community pool one summer so I'd learn how to swim. I nearly drowned. I remember the lifeguard taking me into the locker room and sitting me on the bench, helping me regain my composure. She kept looking at me to make sure I was ok.
23. Same grandmother told me I was going to lose weight and stop sucking my thumb or Jesus wouldn't love me anymore.
24. The guy I lost my virginity to told me he could never be with me because I was too fat, I didn't drive and I didn't have enough sexual experience to ever please him.
25. I lived with a man for two years that wouldn't touch me. It wasn't until years later he told me he "never liked me that way".
26. I fell head over heels for a guy that literally disappeared from my life one morning after he kissed me goodbye. I never talked to him again. Eventually a friend told me he'd gotten married.
27. My mom was in and out of the hospital for the latter part of her life-about a decade of mine. Heart attacks, strokes, near diabetic comas, broken bones from falling or running into things. Many many nights spent in the ER or ICU. Eventually she was put in a rehab place that I visited dutifully every Sunday for over a year. It was a wretched place that caused her intense depression. She was miserable there and every time I visited it became more clear that she was giving up.
28. I stayed with her one weekend and she fell. She had asked me to go to the store and buy her a jug of wine. And I did. And she drank it. And she fell. It was a pattern. The EMTs recognized her and addressed her by name.
29. She died in the fall of 2006.
30. My grandmother died that same year. She died first, in August. I had to go to the service alone, Mom couldn't travel. I went to my grandmother's house and watched in horror as my aunts and uncles went through her things.
31. My father would visit my mother at the rehab place drunk. Or show up at the hospital that way too. Except the last time. Then he was just angry.
32. Dad sold drugs. A lot and for a long time. He was being watched by the DEA and when they suspected he was leaving town (we were going to visit family in Alaska) they swooped in and arrested him. I had to call his mother, my grandmother, and tell her we wouldn't be coming but not why.
33. I saw him in prison, in court, and later with an ankle bracelet. He was ordered mandatory AA meetings and refused, instead getting a friend to sign off for him.
34. In my mid twenties I had the closest thing to a breakdown I can imagine. I sat with a bottle of pills and some very dark thoughts before a friend found me and took me to see my doctor. I started a very difficult journey.
There's more. I count that moment after the pills as my half way point and that was nearly 20 years ago. Since then a million other things have happened to make this list but that's enough for now.
2. I was incredibly fearful of sirens and had nightmares that haunted me for years in my young childhood. I believe it was in part from being there that Christmas.
3. At a young age-perhaps about 6, the neighbor boy played doctor with me. My father was enraged and we moved soon after. Not because of the boy, because we were kicked out of our rental house. I pretended it was because of the boy. We'd been under the porch where it was dark and smelled like dirt. It was more of a 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' kind of thing until he touched me. When my parents went to kiss me good night I recoiled and they eventually got me to tell them what had happened. My father went to the boy's father and I don't know what happened, but I heard him yelling from under my covers in my bedroom. I was terrified that what I'd done was the source of his rage.
4. My dog and my cat were run over and killed shortly after moving in to the new house. Both of them were named Muffin. I had other pets-a dog and two cats. The dog adopted my mother and after I moved out and my parents were evicted, they left the cats behind.
5. The house I grew up in had black mold on the walls. The mold climbed from the floor to the middle of the walls in some places and I tried to cover it with posters. There were only two wall heaters for the whole house, windows that were falling off the hinges, holes in the floor where the wood had rotted through and no insulation. I was cold a lot. We were broken into several times-it wasn't a good neighborhood. There was one instance when we came in through the front door while the robber was running out the back. He stole my mother's jewelry and broke a box my grandfather had made. She cried for days. Once we came home to find a snake in the middle of the living room.
6. I lived on an alley that I walked up and down countless times. Two girls lived along the alley, one on each end. They were cruel to me, calling me names and telling me things like, "You'd be pretty if you weren't so fat." I didn't know that wasn't right. They would tell me that my dolls were alive but that they only moved when I wasn't in the room because they didn't like me.
7. In fifth and sixth grade I learned about drugs and alcohol, specifically the DARE program. I was enthusiastic and excited to participate in the war on drugs. I made flyers about the dangers of smoking and drinking and put them in people's mailboxes. I went to both of my parents individually and expressed concern about the other's habits. Both parent said the same thing, "Ok honey, I'll talk to them" but did nothing different. I grew up surrounded by alcohol and drugs.
8. When I was 15 I had what I can only describe as a panic attack while staying overnight at a friend's house. In a moment, I remembered every painful moment I had blocked from younger years involving the sons of my parents' friends. I didn't talk about it for another seven years and that was only after I was found clutching a bottle of pills.
9. My mother would get drunk and fall or run into things. She broke her leg, foot, toe several times. She was diabetic and didn't take care of herself. One summer evening she took me on a "treat run". A spontaneous trip to get ice cream. She'd been drinking and we hit a parked car. While we were out trying to find the owner, someone stole my ice cream from the car's open window.
10. The people working at the liquor store knew our name because of her shopping frequency. I can still remember the way the store smelled, see the bottles on the shelves.
11. My father would often call from the bar and my mother would tell him not to drive. She'd hang up and be angry or cry. A little later we would hear his Cadillac rumble up the driveway. She was fine then.
12. When I was very little the police followed my father home because he'd hit a pedestrian while driving drunk. I remember him frantically drinking mouthwash to kill the smell of booze before they arrested him. I was three.
13. He passed out in his chair once with a little cigarette and nearly lit himself on fire. He still does it. This last Christmas I bought him a new bathrobe. He said it was good timing since he'd burned so many holes in the old one.
14. My grandfather was in town for a visit and dad took him out. They came home drunk and grandpa fell. They all laughed at me when I cried. That was the last time I saw him-he died a few months later. I didn't go to the funeral because I was mad that the last memory I had of him was his mocking laughter.
15. The neighbor kid was mentally challenged and he used to chase me, naked, demanding I look at him. When I told my mom I didn't want to go to their house anymore, she told me he was 'special' and didn't understand. She made me go anyway.
16. Every boy I have ever dated cheated or dumped me for a friend until I was in my early 30s. Every. Single. One.
17. I failed driver's education in high school. My parents refused to pay for another course. My dad told me they had bought me a car but were returning it because I failed.
18. My father would come home drunk and try to box with me, or he'd fight with me verbally. He treated me like one of his cronies-guys that he surrounded himself with. My mother's reaction was always,"now now, that's enough." She didn't try to stop it.
19. My friends loved my mom because she let us smoke and cuss. They were afraid of my father and would often ask if he'd be there before deciding on if they'd come over.
20. The mother of the sons that hurt me committed suicide and I was forced to go to the viewing. She was short and wearing cowboy boots and very dead. I can still see her face.
21. I have been in no less than 10 car accidents and maybe more than that. I lost track. I was never driving the car.
22. My grandmother threw me in the deep end of the community pool one summer so I'd learn how to swim. I nearly drowned. I remember the lifeguard taking me into the locker room and sitting me on the bench, helping me regain my composure. She kept looking at me to make sure I was ok.
23. Same grandmother told me I was going to lose weight and stop sucking my thumb or Jesus wouldn't love me anymore.
24. The guy I lost my virginity to told me he could never be with me because I was too fat, I didn't drive and I didn't have enough sexual experience to ever please him.
25. I lived with a man for two years that wouldn't touch me. It wasn't until years later he told me he "never liked me that way".
26. I fell head over heels for a guy that literally disappeared from my life one morning after he kissed me goodbye. I never talked to him again. Eventually a friend told me he'd gotten married.
27. My mom was in and out of the hospital for the latter part of her life-about a decade of mine. Heart attacks, strokes, near diabetic comas, broken bones from falling or running into things. Many many nights spent in the ER or ICU. Eventually she was put in a rehab place that I visited dutifully every Sunday for over a year. It was a wretched place that caused her intense depression. She was miserable there and every time I visited it became more clear that she was giving up.
28. I stayed with her one weekend and she fell. She had asked me to go to the store and buy her a jug of wine. And I did. And she drank it. And she fell. It was a pattern. The EMTs recognized her and addressed her by name.
29. She died in the fall of 2006.
30. My grandmother died that same year. She died first, in August. I had to go to the service alone, Mom couldn't travel. I went to my grandmother's house and watched in horror as my aunts and uncles went through her things.
31. My father would visit my mother at the rehab place drunk. Or show up at the hospital that way too. Except the last time. Then he was just angry.
32. Dad sold drugs. A lot and for a long time. He was being watched by the DEA and when they suspected he was leaving town (we were going to visit family in Alaska) they swooped in and arrested him. I had to call his mother, my grandmother, and tell her we wouldn't be coming but not why.
33. I saw him in prison, in court, and later with an ankle bracelet. He was ordered mandatory AA meetings and refused, instead getting a friend to sign off for him.
34. In my mid twenties I had the closest thing to a breakdown I can imagine. I sat with a bottle of pills and some very dark thoughts before a friend found me and took me to see my doctor. I started a very difficult journey.
There's more. I count that moment after the pills as my half way point and that was nearly 20 years ago. Since then a million other things have happened to make this list but that's enough for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment