Now That the Ball has Dropped

I don't do the new year/new me thing anymore.

I called them 'goals' instead of resolutions for awhile.

I did that whole jar of 'good things' once. But honestly it didn't really matter.

Any day can be a day to start over. New Year's Day is just one that everyone can agree on.

I suppose it lends that whole feeling of 'new beginning' like the first warm day in Spring...but if you're not ready, you're not.

I know there are things I'd like to do for myself, things I'd like to try to accomplish. I have ideas and hopes and goals to strive for, but the biggest resolution I have for myself is to not feel like shit if I don't meet them in 365 days.

I want to be healthy again. I have gone back and forth, up and down with taking care of myself. I have learned how to eat better, to make better dietary choices, and also that food and my emotions are closely tied together.

I know what I'm capable of. I know how I feel when I'm eating healthier and moving about more. I know how it feels to lose a bit of weight and even if I can't see it in the mirror, I know what it looks like. I deserve that.

I know now that my relationship with food is connected to a lot of other things and now that I do, I can work on them. I can change it. I don't want to be a new me...I like me. I just want to be the best me I can.

I want to travel. I want to see Colorado and spend time with the Fella's friends there. I want to visit Japan because it's one of his favorite places. I want to show him some of my favorite places too, and find new places together. I want to see Diagon Alley and Hogwarts castle-even if they are in California. I still want to see Vegas and the French Quarter but not to party. To feel their culture and take a ridiculous amount of photos.

I want to finish putting my book together. Even if it's just to have for myself, to go nowhere beyond my own shelf, I want it.

I want to tackle my fear of the dentist. I want to go and get anything fixed that needs to be and then move on.

I want to become a strong part of my work place. I want to be significant in the growth of the company and it's interrelationships. I want to help build a bridge between admin and store front become one that is built on mutual respect and shared success.

I want to take the carpets out of our house. I want the beauty of hard wood that is currently hiding to be our new surface.

I want my growth to continue to strengthen me. I want to be at a place inside myself where I no longer care what others think. I want confidence to prevail instead of waver.

I want to buy a hot tub.

I want to celebrate my 40th birthday in a freaking fantastic way. I have no idea how yet, but I want it to be the one I remember the most.

I want to create an album with my favorite photos. To go alongside my book.

I want a car that I chose and bought and is mine to take care of.

I want to never be afraid to try something new.

I want to be brave enough to say no.

I want to be strong enough to say thank you.

I want to stop saying 'I'm sorry'.

Healthy boundaries. Honest communication. Detachment with love. Letting go. True to me. Me first. Me.

This might be hard--as I type those words a hiss of 'that's selfish' echoes in my head before I shake it clear. No it isn't.

I want to do things for me this year. And the years going forward.

It's time.

I'm ready.