Probably More Than Ten

I've been cranky all day. I kind of wanted to stay that way because sometimes it's just easier and fuck it. I said I was sorry for being a dick and The Fella told me it was ok to be in a bad mood, that I didn't always have to be happy. He's pretty great that way and it made me feel better for a minute- but it didn't pull me out of it. I started scrolling Facebook which isn't really a good idea, like ever but especially not if you're cranky. Posts with Trump's face and headlines of death and destruction mixed with animals that need homes and then randomly coming across a carnival for KKK members...Well, it wasn't making my shitty mood any better that's for sure.

I decided to write. I could practically hear my Biggest Fan telling me, "Um. You haven't written in awhile. What's up with that shit?"

I went and got the laptop, curled up in my chair. I came to this page and frowned at it. I had no idea what to write about.

The Fella's Bro has been making lots of lists lately. His lists have been Top Tens, mostly music or movie related. As I read his latest, "Top Ten Skaters that Influenced Me and Made Me Wanna Skate" (it's zero by the way) I decided to challenge myself to leave the Land of Cranky by creating a list of my own... I'm not into skateboarding either so I'm gonna try and rid myself of this bullshit attitude by listing ten good things that happened to me today.

Top Ten Good Things That Happened to Me Today-(Kind of in order but not really)

1. First sip of coffee
2. Good morning kiss
3. Not having to hit the brakes on the freeway until my exit
4. Laughed with co-workers
5. Got a hug
6. Gave a hug
7. The Fella made dinner
8. A friend understood me without me having to say hardly anything
9. Kitty mews
10. DVR trash

It took me awhile to find a tenth one, I'll be honest. It wasn't a bad day. It really wasn't. Nothing happened. I just...felt cranky. I even checked the calendar but nope-it's not the lady bits. I really wish I could just say 'fuck it' but I find it so hard to allow myself to have a bad day.

I feel like I need to find a reason almost always but the truth is, I don't need one. The Fella is right. I don't always have to be happy. There are times in my life, whole days even, that I can be upset, sad, frustrated, pissed off, annoyed, and all those other 'unpleasant' emotions that I normally try to avoid.

I'm emotional. Passionate. Sometimes intense, and I don't think anyone would deny my heart hangs out on my sleeve all drippy and exposed pretty much always. But I rarely get cranky. Hardly ever. And often I'll apologize for being an asshole when no one thinks I am.

That's just dumb.

Maybe I'll try not saying I'm sorry for having feelings. Maybe instead, I'll work on accepting and embracing them. Maybe I'll let myself get all lost in the Land of Cranky and just hang out there for awhile instead of desperately trying to escape it. Maybe I'll even let myself get pissed and instead of crying, I'll scream and yell because it's ok to do that too.

I wonder what my Top Ten would look like that day...

Anyway, I'm less cranky now. The Top Ten Good Things list helped but I can't think of a way to end this writing and the lure of DVR trash is actually pretty strong now. I think I'll let my brain rot a little, forgive myself for being a human and then go to bed.

Wanna make somethin' of it?