Home Alone

It's been a long time since I've been alone in the house.

It's kind of weird. I didn't realize how different it is without The Fella here. I might be reading or watching something he hates while he's in his Nerditorium doing nerdy things, but that's not the same. You can feel when someone is home, even if they aren't in the room with you.

It's been a long time since I've been alone in the house.

I went upstairs a little while ago to get a sweatshirt and walking through the house I could really hear the quiet. I could also hear the neighbor's dog barking and the TV downstairs and the hum of appliances that you don't really hear unless you are trying to, but the quiet was the loudest.

I zippped up the sweatshirt and stood at the top of the stairs. Looking down into the living room, I felt a sensation come over me like no other. At first, for just a second, I thought (maybe hoped a little) that it was a spirit. I shrugged that off as an overreaction to my coworker telling me all about the latest Ghost Adventures episode at work today and started downstairs.

I saw the familiar shape of the desk at the bottom, knew exactly how much room to give it so I didn't catch my hip on the corner. I sat down in my chair and pulled the blanket up over my knees. I leaned back and muted the TV so I could listen to the quiet.

It's been a long time since I've been alone in the house.

It took a long time for me to feel comfortable here. It felt like I was living in The Fella's house.  I moved in and he'd been living here for two weeks so his imprint, his...presence was already here.

Tonight, one year and almost 5 months exactly later, alone in the house I feel it. It's our house.

The Fella has never done anything to make me feel otherwise. He's always encouraged a reflection of both of us and he really doesn't seem to mind when I do things like buy towels for the bathroom that no one will ever use. So it wasn't because of anything he did or didn't do.

Something about that moment on the stairs tonight, looking down into the living room and seeing the skeleton dressed in armor next to a cat toy brought it all together for me. I'm not sure why but in that moment, it finally became our house.

Maybe I've finally accepted that I deserve it to be.