Awareness

I was supposed to walk in a charity event today. It was supposed to be this great thing I could do to help bring awareness to people suffering from suicidal thoughts or to lend support to those that had lost someone from suicide. But I overslept and when I woke up, I felt like someone had run over my head with a mucus truck. I didn't want to go anywhere.

Instead, I stayed home and sipped coffee in my chair, read my book. I practiced self care by doing something that makes me feel relaxed and at peace.  I blew my nose and sneezed a few times too and began to feel better.

The clock showed that I'd missed the event but I still wanted to go out. I decided to go to Barnes and Noble-another sanctuary where I've found peace. This time I was alone, which was different, but not bad. The drive was a little annoying and I caught myself identifying with that term 'road rage' before I turned up the music and got lost in some pop anthem.

At B&N there's the inevitable Starbucks and along with that, a case full of goodies. I splurged and bought a piece of peanut butter cheesecake-'to go' so I could shove it in my face later in the privacy of my own home. I took my coffee and sat at a window seat, listening to the people around me.

"Oh my gosh, they have Bernie Botts' Every Flavored Beans! Look honey, from Harry Potter."

He met her enthusiasm with a steely response. "We've talked about this. I told you I haven't read it. I can't read everything."

She deflated a little but not completely as she tried to explain, "They're in the story and they really are every flavor. You could get blueberry or ear wax. Or peach cobbler. Or even vomit!"

I smiled a little to myself, listening. She was obviously a fan of the books and/or movies. Her companion wasn't listening anymore though. He was thumbing through a magazine lazily. "Uh-huh. Vomit."

The girl's smile fell and she placed the jelly beans back. They called their coffee order and they left. I watched them go to their car together a little sad.

Two people sat across from me, a 'hippie' type woman, which I'm slowly learning is just the look of this area I live in, and a slightly older gentleman in a cap and plaid shirt. She was going on and on about her dog and how she'd rescued a cat that had the same name as her recently passed away grandfather...she sounded a lot like a customer I may have helped when I worked in a retail pet shop.

Eventually he told her how much he appreciated talking with her and she asked for his card and a simple conversation seemingly turned into an interview. They said their goodbyes and then awkwardly left at the same time.

Outside the bookstore a bit of construction was going on. Just enough so that you notice the tape and cones but not enough for it to be in your way.

Another couple came in and sat down. I didn't turn towards them, but I heard her.

"...a helmet with straps. Like a bicycle helmet. He just put it on."
Her companion answered, "I can't see anything."

She grew annoyed, "He's right outside the door, how can you not? Anyway, he's wearing a helmet. With straps on it and he just put it on to go up to the roof but he didn't fasten the straps so it's not going to do any good. He's an idiot."

"You mean a hard hat."

"I mean a helmet. Dammit, like a bicycle helmet."

From him, a calm observation. "I've never heard of a construction worker wearing a hard hat with straps."

I could feel the tension building in her from three tables away.

She exploded, "I don't care if you've never heard of it. It's what he was wearing."

That was when I got up to leave. I glanced over at the couple and felt a twinge of discomfort for the man. Was she always like that? What made her so incredibly angry about something so trivial?

I wandered into the bargain section, trying to shake off the unpleasantness.

I was a few aisles in when I saw them. Three giant books in red, green and yellow dust jackets. The Wizard of Oz. All 15 novels, not abridged or shortened in anyway-complete and beautiful and under $30.  I grabbed them and practically ran to the counter. I've been looking for this collection and trying to decide if I wanted to get all separate stories or just get the main books....this treasure was for me to find and I left Barnes and Noble peaceful again.

I headed home with my cheesecake and my books and realized it was lunch time. Traffic allowed me to make a left when it normally doesn't and I ended up in Taco Time's drive-thru. Another splurge as fast food and I aren't really friends. I waited patiently for my turn at the window and as I did, the cheesecake stared at me. My stomach started churning a bit and I began to have second thoughts.

Do I really need that? No. Is it going to actually taste good? Maybe for a second but then you'll feel sick. Aren't you currently in line for food you shouldn't really have anyway? Sigh. Yes.

So I made a decision and when the girl reached through the window to return my debit card, "I know this is a little random, but I have this piece of cheesecake and I don't want it and...well, would you like to have it? It's peanut butter chocolate."

Her face broke out into a grin, "Um, I'm not really sure if we can take things from the window...but, um, hang on, let me ask my manager."

I heard a "YES!!!" from inside the restaurant and the girl came back smiling, "I guess we can take it."

I handed her the treat and took my food before another employee poked their head out, "Don't leave yet, ok? The manager wants to see you."

I joked with them a little, "Uh-oh. Hope I don't get fired." We shared a laugh.

The manager came forward then, a young woman in black, the only thing to distinguish her from her team really and put her head out the window of the drive-thru. "Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I am so excited to eat that! Thank you, really! That was so nice!"

Her appreciation flowed through the window, into my car and into me. It felt good. "I'm so glad you're excited! It makes me happy to see you guys happy!" It was only a piece of cheesecake but the whole crew was smiling and it made me wish I'd brought enough for everyone.

I drove home singing along to the radio and got one more grin from a bumper sticker before I turned down my street.  

The day didn't start how I'd planned but things usually has a way of working itself out. I didn't walk with a group of people to bring awareness to suicide prevention, but I went into the world and listened to it. I let it lead me and responded. I hopefully made someone's day a bit brighter and I practiced self care.

For me, all of those things are excellent ways to help with suicide prevention, so in a way I guess I did bring awareness, even if it was just to me. It's been a long time since I was on a dark path, but the pain was real  and it took a long time to shed that skin. I have scars. Doing kind things for others, or observing joy, being able to accept anger or discomfort are things that I haven't always been able to do.

Feels so powerful and yet, so...light at the same time. I like it.