Logically Speaking

I wrote something earlier today but it wasn't what I wanted to say.

I need to talk about my year. It's nearly the end of 2015 and time to reflect. It hit me the other day and I posted something on facebook. It was met with kind words of encouragement and I appreciated that. But the truth is, this year was hard.

There were a lot of really great moments. I met some wonderful people but there was a lot of change. And change, while inevitable for growth, is hard.

I started the year in the arms of My Fella. I knew then that it would be a good year and I knew he would be a part of it.

I felt that something was changing for me at work too but I wasn't sure what it was yet. I felt good about where I was, where my team was. I was proud of my store and while stressed, I thoroughly enjoyed the experiences I was having.

I wasn't enjoying the city I was in. I began to like being where My Fella was more. By February we were tossing the idea around of me moving in with him but I felt it was a long time coming.

It wasn't that long. By early Spring I was telling my boss that I might be moving. By early Summer, I was.

I've written about my move before but for some reason it's now becoming very....real. I don't regret my choices but I'm experiencing things I didn't expect to because of them.

I'm lonely. I miss my friends and having them near me. I miss my coworkers and the relationships we had. I miss the ongoing challenges of running a store and helping other people learn and grow. I miss being important, necessary, appreciated.

This summer was the first time I hadn't worked in eight years. I threw barbecues and a 4th of July party. I went to the Farmer's Market and explored this new city. I read books, I wrote, I learned how to be me again.

But now it's almost winter and I know who I am. I am someone being consumed by their feelings.

I am angry and sad and irritated and frustrated. I know that I will be ok again but that's not what I feel now. Logic doesn't fucking matter right now.

I keep thinking about all the things I've gone through. Sometimes just the last week, sometimes the last year, sometimes just the last hour. I can't stop thinking. It's part of this fucking bullshit mental illness, and it makes me mad. I hate this. I don't feel like myself and I so desperately don't want to be anyone else.

I went through a lot this year. I made some big changes in my life. BIG changes. I did things I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever do. Sometimes I can't believe it was me that did them.

I look in the mirror and think, "Who the hell is that?" I wonder where I went or who I will be next. I feel lost sometimes, unsure of what kind of person I am. Am I annoying? Do I come across as fake? Do people think I'm disgusting?

Again, logically I know I'm loved. I know how lucky I am to have friends and family to show me that.  I don't want to wonder what others think of me but I do. Not because I would change necessarily, but because I can't stand the thought of someone not liking me. Logically, that's ridiculous. But, you know, fuck logic right now.

My mind is not the way I wish it was. I feel everything, think about everything so much.

My friend died the same day I started a new job and got a car. My emotions that day went up and down so quickly my stomach was in my throat. I think I'm still reeling. I never really decompressed from that. I didn't think I needed to because I'm "strong". Naively, I thought that because I'd suffered loss before that I would be fine. I'm fucking not fine. He shouldn't have died and left his lovely wife and his friends and....and me. I had only known him a few months but he was one of those people you feel you've always known and I miss seeing him.

Loss is never the same. Each period of grief or mourning needs to be acknowledged and experienced. I believe only then you can learn to live with it. You never get over it. Time doesn't heal it. It just makes it a little easier to live with. And living with it now, is not easy.

It reminds me of other losses I've experienced. I think about my mom all the time, even more this time of year and now she's even more in my thoughts. I think about Chrissy and her son, how he is experiencing yet another holiday without her.

I feel each sad note in every sad song and I'm not even listening for them. I feel every irritated car honk and hurried hand gesture of fellow drivers on the road. I feel tired. I think about my family and other families and anyone I might know that's been through a loss and I feel for them.

It's too much. It's overwhelming. I try to decompress or focus on other things and it helps for a little while until I feel guilty for feeling better. Guilty because I don't really feel like smiling or feeling better and I'm just doing it because enough time has passed and it's expected. Guilty because sometimes I don't feel like fighting against the consumption of my feelings. I feel like letting them win and just crying or screaming.

But I can't. Because I care what others think about me. Even though I know that my friends and family would be right there crying or screaming along with me, my mind won't let me let go. It's easier to just succumb to this crazy mental bullshit but I don't want to do that either.

It makes me feel very confused and that makes me frustrated because unfortunately, I really don't like it when I'm not in control of my own thoughts.

It makes me a little freaked out about what next year might bring. It makes me feel a little crazy. It makes me wonder what could possibly come next which only adds to the crazy.

I spent most of the year this way. It ebbed and flowed.

Looking back, I think I had more ups than downs and that's good. I know it is. Logically.