People Are Strange

People fascinate me.

There are so many different ways to live this life and I'm consistently intrigued by others' choices.

This time of year is so weird. It's stressful and nostalgic and kind of lonely and sad but also hopeful and warm.

I've always sort of not been a fan of this time of year. I remember thinking last year that Christmas was less of a holiday and more of a day off from work. Being out of the store and away from a steady stream of customers helps it feel more Christmas-y for me this year. Which sort of contradicts my earlier statement of finding people fascinating cause mostly this time of year they're just asshats.

Why is that? Yes it's a stressful, kind of lonely and sad time of year but...not for everyone. It's just not kind to put your shitty feelings onto someone else and yet people do it ALL THE TIME because it's just...the way things are.

Learning that life sucks, that people can be mean, that not everyone thinks before they speak or that the world isn't as big as I think it is...not easy lessons to learn. Even in my late 30s, I'm surprised at how people treat one another.

I honestly don't understand why someone would intentionally be a dick to another person. I don't understand racism or bigotry or sexism or a lot of other isms. I understand difference of opinion. I understand different levels of education, demography, history, self defense...but I don't understand cruelty.

Perhaps that's why stories of serial killers or murderers fascinate me. Not on a 'I've got a shrine of Bundy and write letters to bad guys in prison' level of course, but on a 'what the fuck made this guy like this' kind of level.

There's a line from a favorite movie that goes, "Don't lie to me. I can smell a lie like a fart in a car." I feel that way sometimes. Don't lie. Don't be fake and don't bullshit me. I can tell and I will acknowledge your bullshit, take note of it and never forget it.

Those kind of people intrigue me too. Is the 'fake' behavior coming from a place of insecurity? I get that. I tend to be super nice because I'm insecure. My sarcasm and sometimes snark doesn't come out until I know you. It's usually paired with the word 'fuck' because I'm comfortable then.

I once had someone tell me that 'No one could really be that nice.' She told me I wasn't real and that I looked for things wrong in people so that I could comfort them. I remember thinking how hurt I was by her comment. But years later I looked back and wondered if maybe she had a bit of a point. Perhaps my insecurity caused me to grasp at other people's sadness, to try and fix them so I could feel better.

It's a trick, for lack of a better word, to help yourself when you feel shitty. Helping someone else, helps me feel good. When that comment was said to me, I definitely wasn't in a good place. I was trying like hell to stay mentally afloat and I was totally overcompensating by being 'nice' to everyone. I was trying to make myself feel better.

I realized eventually that I could only help myself and be there for others. I can't fix anyone. Sometimes I wish I could but I know I can't. Another one of those lessons.

So I accept you holiday asshats, cranky comments and all. A part of me wishes I could make you feel less stressed, sad or lonely but that's kinda on you. If you wanna talk about it though, I can listen.


Also, don't go killing anyone ok? It's Christmas for fuck's sake.