Miss You

I still have tears in the corner of my eyes when I wake. The dream was so vivid- I swear it was your voice that brought me to the morning. But it couldn't be. You've been gone for several years now.

You shouldn't be gone you know. Way too soon. Too many things weren't said and too many things were just left unresolved. I can't remember if I got to tell you how much you meant to me. I'd like to think you know, but...Well, how do I know?

I can't seem to rid my eyes of the tears. They have dried but they still stay, burning with memories.

You saved me. You were there the day I almost wasn't. You stayed and held me and helped me become me again. I told you that didn't I? That you were my rock, my hope?

I can't stop thinking about what used to be. I miss the past, a part of my life that can't be relived, simply because...that life is gone.

I miss you.

Watering the Yard

I have this little section in my phone that I put down writing ideas. I used to carry a little notebook and never was without a pen. There's something a little sad about how that's changed but I'm not sure what it is. 

I water the yard in the morning. It's amazing how easily something can become routine. I walk a route around the yard, carrying the hose. I water the snapdragons first, then rose and raspberry bushes, the herb bed, the herbs in pots on the porch and then my favorite, the raised bed.

I pull the hose as far as it will go and stand at one end of the bed. The shining arc of water sways rhythmically as I move the hose gently back and forth. The wood frame darkens from the spray as I make my way from one end to the other. The inch high sprout of corn that glows bright green in morning sun is near the end. The corn that I planted. All by myself, in a grid shape- because that's supposed to be the best way.

I glance at the pond. No need to fill today. There are several brown spots in the yard. We like to talk about why they might be there-the yard is new to both of us.

I don't mind the lighter patches. Sometimes, in the evening when I'm walking around looking for things to weed, I'll come across one of those spots. They feel good on my bare feet, different from the green grass. The brown spots are warm, like hay in a summer field. Reminds me of grandma's house in eastern Washington. Reminds me of her.

I soak the brown spots last.

Three knobs to twist before all the water is turned off. One at the handle, two at the faucet. Never seen that before but it makes sense to me. The hose lives on a hose rack-something else foreign to me. It's amazing how quickly you learn new routines.  I turn the crank to wind the hose, careful to keep out kinks and not to coil it tightly.

I check the strawberries. Almost. Glance at the cherry tree. Maybe three days. The raspberries. Only a few today.

The dogs are barking on two sides and I talk to them through the fence. "It's ok pups. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you."   Sometimes it seems like it helps.

The cats are at the slider, staring intently through the screen. They didn't come out with me today. I'm meeting a friend for lunch and I don't have time for cat watch.

I pad across the deck, open the slider. I shuffle the cats gently with my foot, "No. Get back. Nope. Back cats." In the voice that doesn't mean treats are coming.

No escapees.  I kick off what are now my 'outside' shoes and take note of the pine needles in the carpet just inside the door. I'll have to vacuum soon. I walk into the kitchen and start the water to boil for my coffee. Reward for completing my chore.

When the coffee is made, I go to the slider again. I open it, noticing the water droplets from only minutes ago are gone from the porch. It's going to be hot today. I go to the little table and chairs we set up there and sit down. I close my eyes and smile, listening. The birds are singing, the pond is bubbling, the dogs are quiet for the moment and I am at peace.

I open my eyes, take a sip of my coffee. My eyes travel the yard.
That rose is starting.
Looks like the bunny might have gotten to the plant in the corner. Hmm. I wonder if that's the bird they were talking about the other night.
I think I'll do some weeding tomorrow.

My Period is Coming...A Helpful Guide

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and it occurred to us that women basically only feel 'normal' one week a month. It varies from the individual of course, but generally speaking? That whole, 'bitches be crazy' thing isn't really that far off. It's because our hormones are raging like all the time.

And as we get older, it gets worse. It feels like puberty in reverse. You still get horny at weird times, things are changing in size and you find yourself eating nothing but junk food.

I live with a man now. One that I care for and kind of don't want to freak out with my hormonal weirdness. I yelled at the water dispenser tonight and then grabbed my pint of Ben and Jerry's like it was Gollum's Precious. I could scare him.

So I decided to create a list of all the possible PMS symptoms I'll have in the course of my lifetime.

Or next month.

Sweet cravings-Hi Ben, Jerry. Nice to see you again
Salty cravings
Meat cravings-seriously, I could live on ribeyes
Sexy time cravings

Fatigue
Restlessness
Trouble sleeping
Sleeping a ton
Heightened anxiety
Heightened depression (Yay.)
Severe cranky pants
Severe sad pants for literally no reason. I've cried at TV commericals, South Park episodes, and because the soap was too slippery.
Heightened sensitivity
Low self confidence or the "Everything I wear makes me look fat" feeling

Clumsiness
Forgetfullness
Easily distracted
Indecision

Sore boobs
Itchy nipples
Pimples-seriously, wtf?
Ovulation cramps
First day cramps
Headaches
Bloating
Oh, and bleeding.

I could have any combination of these symptoms, at any given time. For three weeks out of the month. It's enough to make you crazy.

Brace Yourself...My Period is Coming

Fog

I wrote it and reread it and changed it a little and then reread it again and then rewrote it a bit more...But now it's sent and there's no turning back and fuck I hope this doesn't continue.

My anxiety has been bordering on full intensity the last few days but I've been working hard to try and keep it at bay. I went for a walk, I talk to my fella about what I'm going through and I ask for advice from different people to gain lots of perspective. I'm trying to work through this.

I thought it might be getting better and then something hit me fast and I felt it sink into me like lead in a lake. I fought against it, but it's still hanging in there a bit, like the lingering ring of a phone in an empty house.

I'm sleeping more.

I went to bed early last night and slept late today. I woke with a heaviness in my head-like my mind was wrapped in gauze. I can't tell if it's mental or physical fog.

I'm eating whatever I want.

I ate sunflower seeds for lunch yesterday, Almond Roca for dinner. I drink coffee and crave that jolt of caffeine to come, just so I feel more up. It didn't come this morning.

Being outside yesterday, the air felt good. I got back in the car after my walk and felt aches I'd been denying flare to the surface, making me regret my attempt at exercise. The two things aren't related, but I made them that way in my head.

Before I left home, a coworker told me, "You'll probably go through a depression."   I'm not even sure he knows what that word means, because for someone that has it, it doesn't just mean 'sad'. And I don't know if that's what this is. I just don't feel...right, right now.

I might be ok this afternoon. I might need a day or so. Maybe I'll feel better when I go home and see Dad for my birthday. Maybe I'll be reminded why I'm happy to be here. I need to ride this through.

I hope they don't respond to my letter. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want things to be challenging and for life to be hard right now. I just want to enjoy new things and let myself be for a little while. I want to go have lunch with my friends, make new friends, explore and learn new things...

I want the fog to lift.