Drowning In My Own Black Waters

I call it the darkness.

I fall into it, the darkness. It engulfs me all at once, and it's cold. I struggle against it, desperately try to reach the surface. Depression is my darkness.

I still laugh. And I make jokes and I say silly things. But it's not real. No one knows that though. I've been doing this a long time, wearing this face. It fits better than my real one. I feel pain. Physical pain. I feel achy and tired in my neck, shoulders, feet and back. I have an intense personal pressure to be over it even though I don't know what it is.

The darkness pulls at me over and over again, repeating every terrible thought I can summon.

I'm broken. I need to be better than I am. I'm not good enough. I'm not what I thought I should be by now and everyone in the whole world knows I've never really done fucking anything with my life and just why exactly am I still here? Who the fuck am I?  I'm going to die alone but not before Dad does-he's 72!-and even though he says he will, he won't live forever and how the fuck am I going to get through that? Death. Mom. Loss. Grief. Has it been too long to still feel this way when I think of her? Am I ever going to feel normal?'I'm living in a smelly apartment because I have cats -how cliche- and I stopped giving a shit that it smells like shit. I might be giving up. I watch TV and ignore my chores and eat fucking M&Ms and write depressing blogs that no one actually reads. I'm fat and not fucking ok with it and the new haircut doesn't matter because I didn't lose a chin, just got bangs for fuck's sake. 

I struggle. But I don't cry. I don't know if I know how to anymore. At some point I decided there wasn't any point. I try to stay distracted. That's not so easy to do when you have no desire to do anything but sleep and watch Netflix. Work helps. I put a lot of focus into my job and I allow myself to enjoy the successes each day brings. I told someone today that if I didn't have a job, I don't know what I'd do. That scares the shit out of me and the thought becomes another layer to the darkness. 

It's too much sometimes. Overwhelming and dark, cold and consuming. Like I'm drowning. 

Fat

I'm fat. If I was fat and happy then fuck it right? At least I'm happy.  Except I'm kind of not happy right now and I feel the need to whine about it on my blog.

I got my haircut today. I got bangs again and my layers cleaned up. The girl was nice and overall it was a nice experience. Usually I feel pretty after I get my haircut. Except today. Today the giant mirror before the salon chair showed me how fat I was. I'm so big now that my head is starting to look small.

I always thought I carried myself well and that I 'wasn't that bad' but goddammit...I am. I'm not overweight or 'a big girl'. Those are words and phrases I've told myself to avoid using that crushing three letter word.

Fat.
I'm not happy about it.

This is where I promise myself to start eating better and to get back on the treadmill and to not binge, impulse buy sweets, or live off of carbs for the weekend...And this is when I start to feel like shit that I've done all those things and that it's my own fucking fault I'm this way.

I don't like these feelings, but they are very real. Sometimes I try to laugh about it. I'll make a little jab at myself. I try to say it before someone else does. If the thought went through my mind, surely someone else is thinking it. Beat 'em to the punch.

I'm not always wrong you know. There are people that don't like fat people. There are people that find them disgusting and lazy and stupid. I know this because that's just life. I'm not all butt hurt about those people, it's just a fact that bigotry and ignorance exists.  

I once went to a seminar with a friend. The speaker spent some time showing us ways to help purge ourselves of negative thought. I found the concept interesting and was looking forward to seeing how the evening played out. At one point, the speaker suggested crossing your legs to provide a more comfortable sitting style. She looked at me and began, "Lindsay, if you can't cross your-"
She cut herself off, "Oh, you got it! Good for you!"

Yes. I can cross my legs. Good for me.

Another woman approached me later and introduced herself. She told me she was so glad to meet me because she'd always been nervous to meet someone like me before. When I asked her what she meant she said, "Oh you know, someone of your size." She said that she didn't think we'd have anything in common but after meeting me, she knew I was just a person.

Just a person. Jesus what else would I be?

I know these people weren't trying to be hurtful. They had no way to know that I would always remember what they said.

Once, when I was walking home, a guy driving by slowed down and leaned out his window, "You should look into Jenny Craig girl!"

Thank you random stranger.

I spent several weeks talking to a guy once on AOL (yes, that long ago) and when I sent him my picture he told me he didn't date fat girls. When AOL was new, I wasn't even fat. I just thought I was.

But I know I am now and as much as I tell myself how awesome I am no matter what size, today it fucking sucks to be an overweight big girl that carries it well.

Today I feel fat.

Happy Birthday

Hi Mama
Hi Honey, how are you?
I'm ok.
Just ok?
Well, tomorrow is your birthday.
That's right! How old would I have been?
61.
61! Wow that's young, isn't it?
Yes it is Mama
What have you been up to the last eight years?
How much time do you have Mom?
Honey. I have all the time in the world.

I swear I can hear her voice. I can smell her perfume and hear her bracelets sing while she claps her hands at something that wasn't very funny. Except to her. I can feel her arms around me, holding me while I cry and her hands stroking my head. I can hear her humming gentle folk songs into my hair and smell her shampoo. She is with me so strongly right now. The day before her birthday.

But I can't hear her advice. I can't hear what she might say if I asked her for advice about work or about a guy I was dating. I can't taste her banana bread even if I have the recipe committed to memory. I can smell the scent Opium but never again on her skin. I wish she was here so strongly right now. The day before her birthday.


Hi Mama

Luna

One night my mom and dad were out on a drive.

My mom was looking out the window, watching the moon follow her. They stopped at a corner near home and mom made a comment on how bright the moon was that night. Dad nodded, looked over,  and told her she was looking at a streetlight

I love that story.

My mom saw the moon in the glow of a streetlight. She saw the beauty in all things and it was a trait she shared with me. Whenever the moon is big and so bright you almost have to squint when you gaze upon it, I think of mom.

Full moon tonight. 

Netflixing

Sometimes, when I've worked the night shift and I can't wind down, I'll troll Netflix for something to fall asleep to. Tonight I went to my "Watch it Again" section because I was almost tired enough but still needed a sound to fall asleep to.

The small pictures went past and I started to smile. This list is such a good representation of me.

In no particular order:

Once Upon a Time
Aadams Family
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Breaking Bad
Spaceballs
The X-Files
The Emperor's New Groove
The Sword in the Stone
Dexter
Robin Hood
Clue
Paranorman
Walking Dead
Ghostbusters
Doc of the Dead
Firefly
Lost
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Twin Peaks
Ever After
The Cabin in the Woods
The Muppet Movie
Psych
The Breakfast Club
Gladiator
Freaks and Geeks
Trading Places
Fargo
Coming to America
Birth of the Living Dead
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Reservoir Dogs
The Graduate
12 Angry Men
Flowers
The Italian Job
The Following
Exit Through the Gift Shop


Classics. Cartoons. Documentaries. Zombies. 80s flicks. Old TV shows. New TV shows. Muppets. This list couldn't be more of a description of me.

Not The One

Today is August 24, 2014.

I don't know you very well yet. We've been chatting for about a week. Sort of. We haven't spoken on the phone yet. I understand it's a rarity to have a conversation on the phone these days and I'm learning to be ok with it.

I "met" you (your profile) through an online dating site. Your name doesn't start with a J and even though that's really nothing, it was something. I like the way you talk about your children and that you aren't looking for their new mom. You said all of you had big enough hearts to make room for the right person. I like that.

I like that you're clever and that you are not afraid to let me know you're interested. Even it's only friendly right now, it's nice to receive little hellos throughout the day. Or to be asked how my day is going.

You seem to be honest. You seem to be kind and maybe a wee bit vulnerable-as though you know sadness is a very real part of life. You don't come across as weak; you seem intelligent and thoughtful, sensitive and sincere. I like that too.

I like your eyes.

I like that we both want to believe in the fairy tale, even if we know better. I like that I already feel as though I've made a friend.

Today is August 26, 2014

 I know your last name now. And that you want to meet me soon. I know that we both like the ocean and aren't really good housekeepers and that you feel comfortable with me and I like all those things.

I like that you asked how I slept, that you said good morning.

Today is August 28, 2014

I like that you randomly texted me to say hi. I like that you asked me if I'd seen the moon.

I like that you described an old movie to me and I could sense your enthusiasm even from a text.

I like that you tell dad jokes that make me laugh.

Today is August 30, 2014

I like the way you talk about your ex wife. I can tell it's over but that you still respect her as your kids' mother.

I like that you say good night and good morning to me, and that last night because of my schedule we didn't chat much and you said you missed that.

I like that you ask me random questions like, "do  you like pork chops?" just to get to know me better.

I like that we're taking this slow and as a result, I'm being challenged to do things differently.

I like that you like the same things as me, that we seem to share the same values and that you seem to get me....already. How can it have only been two weeks since we first talked?

I like that too. It seems like only yesterday and also like months. Fresh and familiar, comfortable and new.

Today is September 1, 2014

You brought up meeting me again today. You also told me that a girl  you contacted was cute, but that you thought she was too nice. That I had an 'edge' and that you needed that in a partner. I liked that.

I know it's such a simple thing, but saying good morning to me is something I like quite a bit.

I like how you're not afraid to tell me things that some people might. You don't mind telling me that you are in therapy, that you have been lonely....that you have a vulnerable side.

It seems like we would be able to find things to do together, either just us or with your kids and have fun, laugh and enjoy ourselves. I like the idea of getting to know you.

Is it too soon to start liking all of these things about you? Maybe I should cool my jets until we see each other in person.

Today is September 10, 2014

We have plans to meet this Sunday and yesterday you told me you were looking forward to it. We only know we're going to have linner together so far but that seems a perfect way to start. I offered to meet you half way and you said you didn't mind the drive. I like that it didn't just seem like something you said.

We have a ridiculous amount in common. It's almost strange. Each time we talk, we find more common ground and it's great. I like clicking with someone and when it's a guy that I'm (at least so far) attracted to, that's a bonus.

I like that you mentioned you were appreciative of something I said. Or didn't say. You were talking about your ex and I didn't badmouth her. I don't see a reason to ever do that to anyone really but you happened to notice it about me and thanked me for it. I like that.
_________________________________________________________
When we discovered we both liked fixer-upper shows last night, I asked if you'd been studying my dating profile or taking notes. You said no, but it occurred to me that you might be-maybe something like what I'm doing here. I don't mind. This process was recommended to me by a friend and it's actually been really great. I'm surprised (pleasantly) that I haven't had any red flags or weird feelings about you. That in itself is a little scary I suppose, almost an other shoe will drop kind of thing but maybe both shoes are already on the ground. Realistically optimistic.

I remember once saying that I hoped I could meet someone that actually liked me, just me. That they didn't care if I was overweight or anxiety ridden or that most of my clothes were covered in cat hair. I just really hoped to find someone like that someday. I feel like maybe he might meet that description. I don't know if we're going to hit it off romantically, but right now it doesn't matter. I'm just looking forward to spending time with him and talking with him live and in person. It's been nearly a month since we started chatting and that's a bit long in the dating scene to wait to meet someone. But in our case, I think it's worked out. We've literally chatted every day, said good morning and good night, asked how each other's day has been....EVERY DAY. That's kind of neat. When I talked to a friend about it she commented how she didn't even do that with her husband. In fairness though, they live together and have been married for years.

I mentioned I was realistically optimistic.  I'm cautious too. And I'm listening to myself. My gut is pretty good at judging people or situations but it's not terribly clear right now. I can't figure it out and I'm actually ok with that. It's weird, letting all that 'what if' shit go. Good weird, but weird different. I'm usually freaking out by now and I've pleasantly surprised myself this time by just...letting things happen.

God, please don't let him be a serial killer.

Today is September 14, 2014

You are on your way to pick me up for our first... date? When we started planning, it was 'hanging out' but you've referred to it as a date a couple times over the last week or so. I like that.

I wasn't nervous until this morning when I started to get dressed, trying to figure out what made me look the least fat. I realized then that it didn't matter. I was going to be who I am regardless of what I'm wearing. It's why you wanted to meet after all.

I have heard your voice on the phone now. It's pleasant, normal. I don't know what I expected really but nothing about you has freaked me out so far.

I like how you suggested a ferry ride today. And then lunch on Bainbridge and wandering around window shopping. Perfect way to get to know each other more and it was all your idea.

I like how honest you were yesterday. You told me your day had been kind of shitty and that you were feeling a bit down. I like that you talked to me about why and that you knew that the feeling wouldn't last. I like that you told me one of your struggles is to think about things in the future rather than just the 'now'.

I like that several times you've mentioned that talking to me has solidified what you want in a partner. I like that. Even though you didn't necessarily imply that was me.

I like the excitement and the comfort that I feel about you being on your way to pick me up. I'm nervous, sure. You're someone new. But I'm excited for our adventure. And I feel comfortable talking with you so I know I can be myself and not feel stupid.

I like that you asked if I wanted to make a bracelet. You recently bought one of those loom things and you've been telling me about the bracelets for awhile. I would love to do something like that and you're bringing it. You didn't need to but I like that you asked if I'd be embarrassed if you made them.

I like that even though this is the first time we meet, I know you're going to be on time.

Today is September 15, 2014

We spent the day together yesterday. We wandered in bookstores, toy stores, a chocolate shop and had a delicious lunch at a pub on the water. It was a perfect day, the weather was glorious, we laughed, we shared a comfortable silence...and there was no spark.

I felt like I was hanging out with a friend and I'm not complaining. I suppose I'm a little disappointed if I'm going to be honest. I was hoping that we would have a romantic moment together but it didn't feel like that at all.  I like that I've made a friend that I know I can tell anything to. I like that we're comfortable with each other from the start. I like that we can be honest and not feel like we have to be anything else.

I like that I gave this a shot.

Today is September 20, 2014

We're still talking. Well texting. The whole no phone conversation thing is still a little weird to me. We had a conversation recently that confirmed that the spark wasn't there. Not because of anything specifically said, but because we literally asked each other if that ineffable feeling that we both hope for was had. And it wasn't and that's ok. I think that if you meet the right person, you'll know.

But then, maybe it's something that needs to grow. Maybe time is needed to learn about if we want more.

I don't know. I don't know shit about dating and men and even if someone is interested or not.


Today is October 2, 2014

We went out again. Dinner and a movie and although we had a nice time...it wasn't quite nice enough. I wanted to like him more and I felt hopeful. I felt so comfortable...and there was something about his eyes on the second date that made me find him more attractive. That might have been the wine.

It didn't matter. There is no spark and he was very clear that there wouldn't be. I cried a little. Not even because it was him, but because so much time was invested. So much hope was put in, so much effort and conversation and... He's just not the right guy. That's ok. But fuck it was disappointing. And the lonlies kicked in and I wondered for a bit what might be wrong with me.

Then I remembered nothing was wrong with me, or with him. We just weren't the right people for each other.

Dating sucks.