Morning

Morning

Watching the sun rise

painting triangles across the building front

The leaves are trying to change

summer is almost over and they're ready

I'm ready 

This time of day you can't tell if it's morning or evening, unless you see the clock

Like I do

It goes by so fast, time

100

I've been sitting here for awhile now, watching tv, surfing sites-trying to figure out what kind of amazing entry I can make for such a milestone.

I got nuthin'.

It's Saturday, which means my Friday and I ended my week after an 11 hour day. My feet ache, between my shoulders it's all pinchy and when I get up too pee, I'm bent in half like Quasimoto until I'm halfway down the hall.

I had to have a 'discussion' with a staff member today. One of those conversations where I say things I didn't even know I knew how to say and when I feel like I really am a leader.

I dealt with an asshat. Looking back on why I dubbed him as such...I can't even remember what he said because, really-shit like that doesn't matter.

I thought earlier I might cry but I got through it.

I remember not too long ago feeling very overwhelmed with, well, everything. I couldn't deal with work, or being without J., or my weight gain. I felt like shit. A lot. I didn't even realize how much until I didn't anymore.

I changed my mind about some things. I made a few lifestyle changes and tried not letting my thoughts consume me. I started feeling good about letting things go. Including J. I feel...liberated.

Fall is going to be here soon. Football seems to have started early this year too. And the hype for pumpkin things seems to be in more places. Have they finally commercialized a part of nature?

I miss the water. I really want to go to the ocean and when I get my car it's one of the first places I'm going to go by myself. I can see myself so clearly sitting in the driver's seat, windows down, music-my whatever I want to listen to music- and at night. I want to drive down empty roads until I meet the coastline and then just sit and listen to the waves. I'll get out and sit in the damp sand until the wind makes my face numb from cold and then I'll get back into my car and come home.

Or maybe I'd stay. Transfer the money I'm supposed to be saving for whatever I might need it for and stay in a tiny little motel on the beach. I'd write bad poetry on motel stationery and watch a Lifetime movie I would never watch at home. Oh and I'd take a bath because I won't have to clean it afterwards. Maybe in the morning I'd get up in time to drink bad motel room coffee on a balcony facing a gray sky and ocean. I'd leave a small tip for the maid because my mom taught me too and then I'd get back in my car and come home.

Freedom is going to taste so delicious. I've always felt pretty independent but this...this is going to be different. I'm going to be able to experience things on my own that I never have before. I'm going to be introduced to the newest chapter of who I'll be and that's gonna be neat.

The 100th blog.  Great place to start.

Because I'm Happy

Sometimes, when life is hard...when it throws something at you that you weren't expecting...it's easy to forget the things to be happy for.  I'm going to challenge myself and name at least 50 things that make me happy.

1. Books. Bookstores. The book section in any store. Libraries...The way they smell, the way they feel in my hands while I hold them gently, the way that they stack haphazardly on my shelf. Just knowing that books exist makes me happy. Little rectangles of brilliance.

2. Coffee and conversation with Dad in the morning. It makes me happy to know that we finally have the relationship my mom always hoped we'd have.

3.  The Golden Girls. According to an internet quiz, I'm a 'Rose'.

4. My best girlfriends. I've known Melissa and Anne for over 20 years. We've been through some ridiculous moments together, sad moments, wonderful scary moments and everything in between. When we're all together, there is always laughter.

5. Being at the ocean. I always seem to feel so...free there. I feel rejuvenated and connected to the world when I'm able to visit the ocean. Almost as though if I had wings, I'd be able to fly.

6. Finding the perfect picture. Taking pictures in the city or in nature-both places can hold wonder. But when I get the shot that makes the thousand before worth it, a sense of satisfaction comes over me

7.  Wind Chimes. The sound of a gentle breeze touching wind chimes brings a sense of peace that is almost indescribable. Even if it's only for a moment, the sound resonates inside, rippling through like a stone cast in water.

8.  The first sip of coffee of the day. It is SO good. Hot and steaming and coffee-y.

9. Smiling dogs

10. Knowing all the words to a song (Or finding out the lyrics to a line you always sang kinda mumbly 'cause you didn't know what it really was)  A new favorite or an oldie but goodie...when I can sing along and feel the lyrics, the song means more and stays with me.

11. Finding something I thought was lost. I went through my storage room the other day and found all of the postcards my grandmother had sent to me before she died. I haven't read them yet but I'm so glad to have them again-I thought they'd been ruined.

12.  Thunderstorms.  Boom! Crash! Crack! Heat lightening storms, torrential rain storms...the electricity in the air is fantastic.

13. Helping someone

14. Campfires

15.  Ice cream

16.  Star Wars puns.

17.  When the water is just right. Swimming, shower, bath, rain....doesn't matter. But when it's just the right temperature? Ahhhhh

18.  Hearing a compliment. I know, duh right? But I like hearing compliments when they're for other people too. It's just nice to hear people being nice to other people.

19.  White Cherry Icees.

20.  New socks.

21.  New Stephen King book. I still have Mr. Mercedes on my coffee table, waiting patiently me for me to crack it's spine

22.  A perfectly ripened avocado

23.  Waiting for the curtain to go up

24.  New school supplies

25.  Flowers. Hydrangeas, foxgloves, lilacs, roses, lily of the valley, dandelions, gladiolas, sunflowers, sweet peas, bluebells, daisies, violets, poppies, wildflowers on the side of the freeway...

26.  Fresh baked bread

27.  A child's laugh

28.  Grocery store cart rides

29,  Kitty face nudges

30.  Watching the sun set, or rise

31.  Clicking with someone new. Doesn't matter if its romantic or friendly-that first spark is neat.

32.  Swinging on the swings. Never too old to lean back and look at the trees a little differently.

33.  The wind catching my hair. Or my skirt. Spring and Summer breezes preferred.

34.  Visiting the elephants

35.  Learning something new

36.  Muppets

37.  Ice cold milk with something sweet

38.  The smell of the beach. Salty and cool and that moment when you first get close enough to smell it

39.  The sound of my dad snoring in front of a football game.

40.  Trees. Great, large green branches reaching to the sky and leafy oaks of red, brown and orange.

41.  Old Bugs Bunny cartoons

42.  Quoting a movie line and having someone yell, "I love that movie!"

43.  Wandering in museums

44. Series finales that end well

45.  Clean sheets on naked skin

46.  Balloons floating through a bright blue sky

47.  Hearing a song my mom used to sing to help me sleep. My favorite is Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell. It's a sad happy, but it still counts.

48.  Chocolate

49.  That moment when you finally let yourself be ok with who you really are

50.  Being me.

Off the Blue Pill

I'm feeling a little sad tonight. I don't want to and it's been a long time since I have but...Yeah. I feel sad. Like I want to cry. But I can't cry. And I want to be held but that I wouldn't let anyone touch me. This is what it's like being a woman on her white row of birth control pills.

The problem with having a blog that you let everyone read is being able to talk about things that some people don't want to know. But I promised myself that when I started writing this blog about a year or so ago now, that I would say whatever I felt when I felt it. And right now, I feel sad.

I feel sad because a friend of mine is very sick. And while she's not my family by blood, she's part of the family in my heart. And her mother and her aunt and her sister and her grandmother and her father and her grandfather and everyone else that she holds dear are feeling the sadness too and that's just so much.

I've been trying to think of happy things to think about. I've started a list. But I'm stuck before I'm halfway there and the list is getting lame.

One of my best friends is helping me tremendously by giving me something to help me get farther in my personal goals. It wasn't expected and it was a beautiful gesture and I am so fucking lucky to have the friends I do.

I feel sad because I went to wash my hands after dinner and for a moment I forgot she was gone. I nearly reached for the phone because sometimes, it still feels like I can call and tell mom about the things going on in my life. But I can't.

A friend of mine told me he thought he'd finally met the perfect girl for him. He told me all about their first date and how excited he was to have the second. He told me they made out to classic rock and how he felt so lucky. I smiled and encouraged him to enjoy every moment he could spend with her-that he deserved the joy he was feeling.

I feel sad because I remember that feeling and it's addicting. Euphoric and magical and terrifically scary. And rare. Some only wonder what that feels like. I'm so fucking lucky to be able to describe it.

The back and forth of being female is such a roller coaster.
Life's little deathtrap carnival ride when all I want is an elephant ear.

I need distraction and Netflix is failing me and the cursor doesn't feel inspirational anymore, it feels mocking. I still want to cry but I also want to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's AND I want to have sex. All at the same time.

I guess that's better than just feeling sad.