I can't sleep and it's irritating me.
I keep thinking about everything.
Sex and death and having babies and work. My friends and my dad and maybe sometimes an ex boyfriend or two. Vacation and getting my carpets steam cleaned and who will feed the cats and the plants and Henry the betta fish when I'm away? How will I ever afford this vacation? How can I not?
Does it really matter that I haven't had sex in five years? A little.
I've almost forgotten what it's like to share that intimate a space with
someone. In fact, I don't know if I ever have.
Dad will die because we all do. And my cats will and all my friends and the little old lady with the poodle named Monet will die and sometimes even just knowing that is...too much. Who would feed my cats and the plants and Henry the betta fish when I'm gone?
I'm scared shitless about being a mom someday. I'm scared to be pregnant. I'm scared I won't be able to prepare for a potential emotional roller coaster ride when I hate roller coasters.
Work is what my world is and I can't decide how I feel about that. I like my job but it's so much of what I do that I'm afraid it will become who I am.
I feel like the Goldilocks of dating. This one is too mean, this one is too nice... It's so corny, but I'm looking forward to finding the one that's just right. Not too hot, not too cold. Not too soft, not too hard. He's gotta be out there. Or you know, maybe he isn't. How the hell do I know? Does it even really matter? Not really. I'm good with me.
I love the way it feels when I type. I love watching the words form from my fingertips and the soft clacking of the keys. The thump of the space bar and the click click click of the backspace. It's a sound I focus on when it feels like I can't stop thinking about everything. A sound I need to get the thoughts out so I can sleep.
Sounds are my new favorite way to turn my brain off.
ReplyDeleteAnd someday, you too will die.
Life is certainly surreal at times, especially when we think globally. I sometimes think about death coming to us all. They say it's what you do with the time given to you that matters. Death matters to us. As I'm getting older, I face the death of family and friends more often than I care to. More than I want to, but I can't avoid it. My Dad recently told me he has a "bucket list" as if to hear me say "Congratulations!". How do we respond to this? Death is sneaking up around every corner and every crevasse as we live out our lives. I just wish I could hold onto those I love more than to watch death taking them away.
ReplyDelete