Right Now

I can't tell if I"m reacting to the med change or if this is what it feels like to be happy.

But right now, I actually want to do things. With people. I want to go outside. I want to walk down the street and let the other person move aside instead of me.

My relationships are strong. It doesn't feel like I'm sucking their energy anymore. I don't feel like a burden. I believe people when they compliment me.

Right now it feels like I'm getting better. I left food on my plate today. People do it all the time but I've been in the Clean Plate Club since I was a kid. It's weird how hard it is to push away a plate with food on it. Years of hearing that children in other countries will die because of your wastefulness...well, I didn't want to kill anybody. The other point taken was that I wasn't going to waste food that was bought with hard earned money. So, I cleaned my plate. But not today.

When I feel anxious, I ramble and that's ok. I stumble over my words sometimes because my brain is going faster than my mouth.  I usually interrupt myself, say nevermind and get all fidgety. That's ok too because I've surrounded myself with patient and loving people that will wait until I can say what I want to say. Like today when instead of giving up, I took a deep breath, sorted my thoughts and said what I wanted to say. 

I got some blood tests back and all signs point to healthy.  The results made me feel like I could flip off anyone including myself, that thought I was unhealthy because of my weight. Cholesterol, kidneys, blood sugar, all that stuff is fine. My doctor has no concerns and didn't bring up my weight at all.  I am not unhealthy. Today, I accepted myself a little more.  

When I have an anxiety attack,  I can feel nauseous. I sometimes break out in a cold sweat or start shaking.  I usually feel tightening in my chest and have trouble catching my breath. It feels like I'm going to die. I can't tell you how many times I've googled the symptoms of a heart attack. But I've learned that these are physical reactions to an emotional trauma. I won't have to google next time. Right now, I know I'm healthy.