Tunnel Vision

I went back and read the top 5 viewed blogs I've written. I cried. There's a lot of emotion in those words. A few grammatical mistakes too but I write like I talk and I don't always use proper pronunciation. How boring would that be? 

I really wanted to write something happy today. Especially after reading those top 5. I guess even though I feel it, I didn't know I was full of so much...feeling and right now, happy isn't one of them. Happy hasn't really been something I've felt in a while. I've laughed and I've done things that have been fun but I haven't been full on, totally consuming happy in a long time. If you asked, I wouldn't be able to tell you when the last time was.

It's hard feeling this way. It's tiring. It's confusing. It's frustrating and maddening because I don't want to feel this way and I can't make it stop. The good days seem so few and far between, if ever.

I feel like I'm trapped in a tunnel where the world has stopped. The tunnel is dark and crowded with cars that hold the corpses of my past. I have come into the tunnel out of light and now am engulfed with the unknown. Am I alone in this tunnel? Is there something waiting in the shadows to pull me down even further? Why does the darkness feel so thick?

I know there's light at the end but it seems so very far away. Too many obstacles block my path to find the light. I may be able to move them just a bit, squeeze between two of those empty cars holding past hurt and when I do, two more blocking my path. I have to figure out how to move them, or work around them and each time I push or try to climb, I fall, exhausted from the effort. Sometimes I try again. Sometimes I sit on the ground and let the darkness talk to me.

It's hard, knowing there is a light. That I am simply going through the darkness and while it seems I'll never go forward, that I'm stuck in this terrible place, I know otherwise. I know that each time I can get between the cars, I'm making progress.

But this is a long tunnel. It's frightening and dark and full of hopelessness and I hate it. I wish I'd never traveled this way. I miss the light. I miss laughter and peace of mind and enjoying little things that I seem to overlook now.

I want out.



The top 5 that I read this morning:

Own It
Clouded
November 2016
Clunky Girl
Words