Depression is a Dick

Depression is such a dick. It gets in and messes with your head in ways that make you feel completely broken. It lies. It manipulates emotion and it ruins moments.

I feel like everything I do is wrong.

"You just need to build your confidence."

I honestly can't count how many times that has been the response when I've confessed I'm struggling. And it's not easy to admit in the first place. I'm a pretty open person but telling my boss or close coworkers that I'm feeling like a piece of shit isn't really an easy conversation topic to share.

I don't know why I do it really. I guess as a sort of warning for them? When I feel the depression start to bubble up and I can feel that I'm not quite myself, I feel like those around me deserve an explanation. That way if I burst into tears because someone's asked me to rewrite something maybe it won't be such a shock. Or maybe it will, I don't know. Inside I feel like a fucking wreck but I've gotten really good at putting on the 'everything is fine' face over the years so who knows if anyone even notices.

I feel like everyone is annoyed with me.

"You just need to learn how to love yourself."

Depression doesn't let you do that. It isolates you. It creates a circle within that even when you're surrounded by others makes you feel completely alone. Depression tells you that you are worthless, in the way, and a giant pain in the ass to everyone in your life. Sometimes it goes beyond that and makes you think strangers are silently judging you or your clothes, your hair, the way you walk or the way your mouth moves when you're trying desperately to smile through the pain.

My workplace is where I tend to struggle the most. I want so desperately to do well and there are still past experiences that I'm working through that make me feel I never will. That whole lack of confidence thing is pretty strong too and jesus, if I could just 'build my confidence' as simply as saying it was so, I would. But it takes time and I try to allow myself that. Doesn't always work. In fact, I'm rarely able to be gentle or kind wo myself when it comes to that. I don't want to go through this--I just want it to stop.

At home I can cry or numb my mind to try and find peace. I can communicate with The Fella honestly and tell him what I need or don't need to feel even just a tiny bit better. Any other time that's a successful solution.  Communication is what I do. It's a huge part of who I am and it's when talking about how I feel seems to fail that I feel this way.

Frustrated. Defeated. Angry. Sad. Pointless. The feeling that you don't matter is such an ugly emotion. And somewhere deep inside, I know it's untrue. But the voice of depression is so fucking loud. It literally feels like my mind is screaming.

I wish I was on the upside of this, on the way to coming out of it but I'm just not. I have no confidence. I don't hate myself, but I'm not particularly stoked about who I am right now because it's fucking miserable.

Helplessness is another feeling that depression brings. Because really, there's nothing I can do.