Probably More Than Ten

I've been cranky all day. I kind of wanted to stay that way because sometimes it's just easier and fuck it. I said I was sorry for being a dick and The Fella told me it was ok to be in a bad mood, that I didn't always have to be happy. He's pretty great that way and it made me feel better for a minute- but it didn't pull me out of it. I started scrolling Facebook which isn't really a good idea, like ever but especially not if you're cranky. Posts with Trump's face and headlines of death and destruction mixed with animals that need homes and then randomly coming across a carnival for KKK members...Well, it wasn't making my shitty mood any better that's for sure.

I decided to write. I could practically hear my Biggest Fan telling me, "Um. You haven't written in awhile. What's up with that shit?"

I went and got the laptop, curled up in my chair. I came to this page and frowned at it. I had no idea what to write about.

The Fella's Bro has been making lots of lists lately. His lists have been Top Tens, mostly music or movie related. As I read his latest, "Top Ten Skaters that Influenced Me and Made Me Wanna Skate" (it's zero by the way) I decided to challenge myself to leave the Land of Cranky by creating a list of my own... I'm not into skateboarding either so I'm gonna try and rid myself of this bullshit attitude by listing ten good things that happened to me today.

Top Ten Good Things That Happened to Me Today-(Kind of in order but not really)

1. First sip of coffee
2. Good morning kiss
3. Not having to hit the brakes on the freeway until my exit
4. Laughed with co-workers
5. Got a hug
6. Gave a hug
7. The Fella made dinner
8. A friend understood me without me having to say hardly anything
9. Kitty mews
10. DVR trash

It took me awhile to find a tenth one, I'll be honest. It wasn't a bad day. It really wasn't. Nothing happened. I just...felt cranky. I even checked the calendar but nope-it's not the lady bits. I really wish I could just say 'fuck it' but I find it so hard to allow myself to have a bad day.

I feel like I need to find a reason almost always but the truth is, I don't need one. The Fella is right. I don't always have to be happy. There are times in my life, whole days even, that I can be upset, sad, frustrated, pissed off, annoyed, and all those other 'unpleasant' emotions that I normally try to avoid.

I'm emotional. Passionate. Sometimes intense, and I don't think anyone would deny my heart hangs out on my sleeve all drippy and exposed pretty much always. But I rarely get cranky. Hardly ever. And often I'll apologize for being an asshole when no one thinks I am.

That's just dumb.

Maybe I'll try not saying I'm sorry for having feelings. Maybe instead, I'll work on accepting and embracing them. Maybe I'll let myself get all lost in the Land of Cranky and just hang out there for awhile instead of desperately trying to escape it. Maybe I'll even let myself get pissed and instead of crying, I'll scream and yell because it's ok to do that too.

I wonder what my Top Ten would look like that day...

Anyway, I'm less cranky now. The Top Ten Good Things list helped but I can't think of a way to end this writing and the lure of DVR trash is actually pretty strong now. I think I'll let my brain rot a little, forgive myself for being a human and then go to bed.

Wanna make somethin' of it?

Justifying Bad TV

I never watched Celebrity Apprentice because of Trump.

I watched out of curiosity. The first season I tuned in had La Toya Jackson, Meat Loaf and Gary Busey on it. I mean, I kind of had to watch.

I find people fascinating but generally not of 'reality' tv people. I'm not a Housewives of Some Big City fan and I don't watch any of the Survivor-type shows. I used to watch American Idol but I could only tell you a handful of the winner's names.

No, I like the shows that are most about the before and after. I LOVED Trading Spaces with the neighbors decorating neighbors' houses.  I like Treehouse Masters with the host that's punny and the after shots of gorgeous tree houses. I also like the make-up/costume creation show Face Off and the classic Top Chef to watch people make amazing things out of food. I like to see how the competitors can take similar ingredients or materials and interpret them with their own unique style. Project Runway is another favorite for that reason. Also, Tim Gunn is a fantastic human.

Celebrity Apprentice's premise is basically not-as-popular-as-they-used-to-be celebrities making money for charity. They have tasks assigned to them that usually involve marketing or promoting of a brand and whichever team impresses the executives the most wins. It's dumb. But it's surprisingly intriguing and for me it's not because it's fascinating watching celebrities, it's fascinating watching them be people.

The whole season La Toya didn't try to read anyone's aura, Meat Loaf looked more like your middle aged neighbor than a rock star and Gary is clearly just a man who suffered a brain injury.

But because they are celebrities, they know how to be a famous and on camera so it's rare to get a peek behind the veil.  When someone gets mad or emotional about the task, that's when the true personality usually comes out. It's not the most watchable when the 'drama' starts or the name calling gets colorful. It's all about the moment you catch a glimpse of who these people really are.

My favorite 'whoa, you're a dick' celebrity moment was with Lou Ferrigno. He was the HULK for crying out loud, beloved by many. I couldn't wait to see what kind of person he was.

As the show aired, I learned one of the charities he works with is National Center for Lost and Exploited Children and I was intrigued. But then I watched him be the first to throw someone under the bus and play the 'deaf card' to get out of an uncomfortable task. He was bossy and rude and I was so disappointed! Dennis Rodham had more class than the Hulk.

The show went off the air for awhile. Trump focused on making America great and I decided I could never watch again. I truly find Trump's existence terrifying and the ugliness of him fully outweighed my morbid curiosity of celebrities.

But the show is back now and this time-no Trump. Instead, the new host is Arnold Schwarzenegger, or 'the Governor'. His catch phrase replaced Trump's 'You're fired!' with 'You've been terminated.'  I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants because it's just so frivolous.

But who cares? How is it worse than watching 22 men run into each other while they chase pigskin on AstroTurf? Or watching dragons and scantily clad blondes battle for a chair made of pointy things?

Besides, I like seeing my old idols like Boy George say things like, "I'm a very creative person," in his beautiful accent. Or to learn that Snooki is nothing like the person that I remember seeing from Jersey Shore ads. (And only ads because that's where I draw the line). She's actually a bit insecure and soft spoken until she drops the f-bomb. Also, La Toya is a badass.

Shows like this remind me that we're ALL just people. Some of us have lifestyles that wreak havoc on our bodies or our minds. Some of us grow up with privilege and money others only dream of. Some of us have to work our asses off to get anywhere. But we are all capable of showing emotion and making mistakes and feeling vulnerable and saying things we shouldn't.

We are all human and it's something to celebrate.

Now That the Ball has Dropped

I don't do the new year/new me thing anymore.

I called them 'goals' instead of resolutions for awhile.

I did that whole jar of 'good things' once. But honestly it didn't really matter.

Any day can be a day to start over. New Year's Day is just one that everyone can agree on.

I suppose it lends that whole feeling of 'new beginning' like the first warm day in Spring...but if you're not ready, you're not.

I know there are things I'd like to do for myself, things I'd like to try to accomplish. I have ideas and hopes and goals to strive for, but the biggest resolution I have for myself is to not feel like shit if I don't meet them in 365 days.

I want to be healthy again. I have gone back and forth, up and down with taking care of myself. I have learned how to eat better, to make better dietary choices, and also that food and my emotions are closely tied together.

I know what I'm capable of. I know how I feel when I'm eating healthier and moving about more. I know how it feels to lose a bit of weight and even if I can't see it in the mirror, I know what it looks like. I deserve that.

I know now that my relationship with food is connected to a lot of other things and now that I do, I can work on them. I can change it. I don't want to be a new me...I like me. I just want to be the best me I can.

I want to travel. I want to see Colorado and spend time with the Fella's friends there. I want to visit Japan because it's one of his favorite places. I want to show him some of my favorite places too, and find new places together. I want to see Diagon Alley and Hogwarts castle-even if they are in California. I still want to see Vegas and the French Quarter but not to party. To feel their culture and take a ridiculous amount of photos.

I want to finish putting my book together. Even if it's just to have for myself, to go nowhere beyond my own shelf, I want it.

I want to tackle my fear of the dentist. I want to go and get anything fixed that needs to be and then move on.

I want to become a strong part of my work place. I want to be significant in the growth of the company and it's interrelationships. I want to help build a bridge between admin and store front become one that is built on mutual respect and shared success.

I want to take the carpets out of our house. I want the beauty of hard wood that is currently hiding to be our new surface.

I want my growth to continue to strengthen me. I want to be at a place inside myself where I no longer care what others think. I want confidence to prevail instead of waver.

I want to buy a hot tub.

I want to celebrate my 40th birthday in a freaking fantastic way. I have no idea how yet, but I want it to be the one I remember the most.

I want to create an album with my favorite photos. To go alongside my book.

I want a car that I chose and bought and is mine to take care of.

I want to never be afraid to try something new.

I want to be brave enough to say no.

I want to be strong enough to say thank you.

I want to stop saying 'I'm sorry'.

Healthy boundaries. Honest communication. Detachment with love. Letting go. True to me. Me first. Me.

This might be hard--as I type those words a hiss of 'that's selfish' echoes in my head before I shake it clear. No it isn't.

I want to do things for me this year. And the years going forward.

It's time.

I'm ready.