Happy

I didn't sleep well at all last night and this morning it feels a bit like some evil little imp came and shoved cotton up my nose while I was unconscious. I can't afford to get sick right now-I truly don't have time.

One of my staffers called last night and quit. Her last day is the 31st and I wish her so much luck and happiness because I'm her friend but I'm stressing out about the upcoming inventory counts because I'm her boss. I hate inventory.

My wifi went all stupid this morning and it wasn't until I finally picked up the phone to call Comcast that it started working properly. Like it knew.

Its raining and drab and kinda cold and so very winter today. I have a long day at work ahead of me and I'd like very much to just crawl under my blankets and try that sleep thing one more time.

I smashed my thumb in a cupboard yesterday and of course I have hit it no less than a dozen times since.

BUT

I'm happy.

I sang a silly little song about a jar of cookie butter in my pantry and it made me laugh and I took a moment to just laugh at myself.

I had a text from my more than friend waiting for me this morning-just like every morning since we've started being more than friends-and it made me reflect on how far I've come since He Who Shall Not Be Named.  I used to think that he damaged me, ruined me for anyone else but now I wonder if maybe he didn't help me.

If I hadn't gone through all that, if I hadn't known what I absolutely don't want or need, I couldn't appreciate this new wonder that has come over me.

This feels easy, comfortable, exciting and complete. I feel like we've known each other always as we get to know each other more each day. He makes me laugh and think about things and he's kind and being with him feels like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be.

But my happiness isn't just because of him and that's new too. In the past, being happy had relied on whether or not I had a guy in my life. This time, I went in slow, let things develop on their own and made sure that my head and heart were in a good place. I have taken good friends' advice and not overanalyzed things, looking for something to be wrong. I'm just enjoying it. And him. My more than friend...

By the End, I'm Ok

Today was...a day.

I woke up to find a message from a friend. A friend that is becoming a little more than that and it was nice to feel that feeling without being afraid of it.

Work was a Monday and it's near the first of the month and there's so much to do and I have orientation with the new girl today and wait, did anyone take the deposit? and "Lindsay phone for you, it's your boss. Shouldn't have done that. Fix it and smile! It's retail! You're an example!"

Sigh.

And then a text from someone I didn't need to hear from. A message proving what I didn't see all along. Selfish. Ugly. Hurtful. Sociopath.

I got through that one ok. Took me a minute. I had to let myself feel every cruel word one more time because the wound is healing but it's still red and it hurts when you poke it.

I got through the rest of the Monday, closed up shop. I found a message from the friend and it made me smile. I was back on the upside.

Finally starting to relax, sort of watching the TV I hear the sound of what unfortunately is so very familiar now and I know...that cat is ruining something. I want to cry with frustration as I clean up the mess again. I realize I can't keep doing this and I plea with friends to help me.

I want to cry now. Work stress. Hurtful reminders. Cats. But I don't. Instead I remember that everything is going to be ok in the end.

If it's not ok, it isn't the end.