Just A Dream

Mom was unresponsive. She was breathing but not responding to my voice. She lay on the bed diagonally, her face peaceful.

I called 911 and waited. Back and forth between her room and mine-waiting. Why did they take so long to get here?

The EMT was tired. He wanted to be at home with his family instead of trying to save mine.

Mom remained quiet and floppy like a doll. The EMT turned to me and there was kind sadness in his eyes. "Does she have a will to live?"

I couldn't answer.

I had lost count of late night 911 calls and EMT visits over the years. This was the first time someone had asked me that and the first time I really thought that maybe she didn't.

She stayed another year and a half before she was gone. She was so sad for so long. Later, I wondered if she'd stayed because she knew we weren't ready to let go. I wonder if she heard me when I told her it was ok. That dad and I were going to be ok and that she could rest. I wonder if it was for me to rest too.

I see the bed sometimes. It's usually bright with white sheets and a chrome frame-like one out of a haunted hospital wing. Sometimes it's the bed I accidentally saw her and dad 'watching tv' on once. Sometimes it's my own bed and that's when I tell myself to stop thinking about it.

I see myself standing outside their apartment and the ambulance pulling up. I hear the EMTs greet mom by name and I realize then, it's a lot worse than I knew. That was in the beginning, before the Facility.

I hear her voice, thickly calling my name because the coma was creeping closer and she needed insulin. I feel the needle in my hand and see her bare flesh as it sinks in to save her. I hear her words become incomprehensible and fear begin to crawl up my spine.  That was before, when I was still at home and sleeping down the hall.


I hear her crying like no one can hear her. I hear her calling out for her mother, for my father, for god, for anyone to make her pain stop. I hear her voice laced with loneliness and heartache and feel that I should be able to help her but I don't know how. I feel useless and in the way and broken.

"Does she have a will to live?"

I couldn't answer.