Pajamas

Every time I wear my frog slippers and my smurf pajama bottoms I think about the night I begged you to leave.

You had just told me how beautiful I was-no makeup and in silly bedtime clothes. And all I thought was...

Why?

Why did you think so? What did you see that I simply couldn't?  Why would you say something like that to me? It scared me. It immediately told me that someone saw something in me and I'd wanted that for so long it didn't seem real.

I started to cry.

You went to hold me and your kindness felt like razors on my skin. I moved away and told you that I didn't want you to stay the night anymore and your eyes changed.

I'd hurt you.

I couldn't possibly explain that inside I felt that you were too good to be true and I didn't want to get hurt again. I couldn't say that both of those feelings were swirling around inside me and I just didn't know what I wanted anymore but I didn't think it was you.

You had to wait for your ride and it was such a long and uncomfortable ten minutes. You left with barely a goodbye and I sobbed against the door. What was wrong with me? Why would I just throw out a guy that had shown a real interest in me? Why would I run away from the one thing I'd been hoping for?

My heart hurt.

I broke. My wall fell away and I saw inside to the secret feeling I'd been hiding for a really long time. I didn't think I was good enough. For me.

I realized I wasn't over some things. I realized that even though you tried to hold me and your eyes grew sad when I asked you to go, it wasn't fair to you to wait for me to be over them.  I tried to be subtle, I tried to be kind. I ended up being blunt and colder than I would have liked. I didn't know what to say, I'd never had to say the words before.

But I did.

And I cried a little more. I saw the anger in you and felt sad that I'd made you feel it. I felt sad because I recognized that this life lesson didn't just affect me. That I hurt someone besides myself. I felt sad because you forced me to get to know myself more and I've never really gotten along with myself. I felt sad because I did what I knew I had to do and not what was easier.

I got over it.

Sort of. I think about you sometimes. I wonder how you are. I wonder if you found a girl that was ready for you. I wanted to call you tonight when I chose the smurf pants. When I slid my feet into comfortably worn slippers I picked up the phone. And then I remembered.

They were just clothes.