I have some pretty ridiculous self esteem issues. I can step away from myself and realize they're ridiculous so why can't I just let them go?
I have to give myself little pep blogs to remind myself that I'm not as fucked up as my mind wants me to think I am.
First off, your nostrils aren't that big. They might have once been described as a coke lover's dream. They might have been the first thing a friend said she noticed of you, but they aren't that much out of proportion that you should be in a sideshow or anything.
You are not as big as Jabba the Hutt. You were smaller 20 years ago, that's true. Just accept who you are. Someday someone will find you attractive in just the right way. But not until you let yourself believe it first. You can try exercising-even though you loathe it, do you loathe the idea that you could add some years to your life more?
Most people aren't going to see that hair on your chin. The people that might see it are your friends and they would rip it out for you if you asked because they are amazing friends. So what if one guy one time said something about the hair above your lip? You're nowhere near a Chaplin-stache so breathe a little.
You deserve to want to live a long time. Things remind you all the time how short life is. Why would you spend any of it being angry with yourself? Try to accept things more for the way they are and embrace the moment instead of fearing it. If you're happy, let yourself be. If you're not, find out why and try like hell to fix it. Continue to take joy in the little things this life gives everyday. Listen to yourself more and probably a million other things that could be embroidered on a sampler.
I'm trying so hard to find the balance between letting myself just be who I am and totally hating who that person is. I like who I am on the inside and even some of the outside bits but I can't seem to believe it completely when I'm complimented. I've gotten a lot better but I ride the roller coaster of 'Do I Suck, am I Awesome' too often.
Maybe it's not as black and white as that.
I already know that being awesome with suck moments is better than the other way around so maybe I could start there.
Put that on your grandma's sampler.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Sounds Like...
When I remember to check the mail, it's usually my favorite part of the day. The sky is a faint shade of lavender in the summer, dark purple in the winter. It's a small mailbox, simple. The ground in front of it is decorated with ivy and sometimes puddles. I noticed when getting the mail at this time I could hear a faint song of crickets. It always made me smile and think of camping in the summer.
This morning I left and the sky was painted light gray, only traces of violet. The sun was peeking over Mt. Rainier, trying to take the chill from the air. I was walking taller, straighter and smiling already when I stopped at the bottom of my hill to listen. The crickets were greeting me and I drank it in, thought this time of laying in the high grass on Grandma's farm.
After a few moments, it occurred to me that it wasn't really the right time for crickets. I crossed the street to the mailbox. I stood there listening when it finally hit me. The lovely sound I'd been enjoying wasn't from crickets. It was the fan on top of the building behind my mailbox. Made me laugh at myself a little and I needed to. I called my dad to make him laugh too.
I told him all about the "crickets" and I heard him smile. He started to laugh as he told me a story about mom. They were driving one evening when mom commented on how beautiful the moon was. My dad had to inform her it was actually a street light. And then he told me a story about himself.
One day out hunting he described the intensity of the hunt. He talked about how long he waited for the perfect shot, never believing his luck in how the deer seemingly didn't sense him at all. When he finally pulled the trigger and the deer didn't move he started toward it, bewildered. He was positive he'd hit it his target. Finally, he saw that not only was it only a tree with the branches just so-he was not the first to think so. "Riddled with holes," he told me.
We laughed together, admitting to have mistaken planes for bright stars. Maybe even wished on a few.
"You see Honey? You come by it naturally."
This morning I left and the sky was painted light gray, only traces of violet. The sun was peeking over Mt. Rainier, trying to take the chill from the air. I was walking taller, straighter and smiling already when I stopped at the bottom of my hill to listen. The crickets were greeting me and I drank it in, thought this time of laying in the high grass on Grandma's farm.
After a few moments, it occurred to me that it wasn't really the right time for crickets. I crossed the street to the mailbox. I stood there listening when it finally hit me. The lovely sound I'd been enjoying wasn't from crickets. It was the fan on top of the building behind my mailbox. Made me laugh at myself a little and I needed to. I called my dad to make him laugh too.
I told him all about the "crickets" and I heard him smile. He started to laugh as he told me a story about mom. They were driving one evening when mom commented on how beautiful the moon was. My dad had to inform her it was actually a street light. And then he told me a story about himself.
One day out hunting he described the intensity of the hunt. He talked about how long he waited for the perfect shot, never believing his luck in how the deer seemingly didn't sense him at all. When he finally pulled the trigger and the deer didn't move he started toward it, bewildered. He was positive he'd hit it his target. Finally, he saw that not only was it only a tree with the branches just so-he was not the first to think so. "Riddled with holes," he told me.
We laughed together, admitting to have mistaken planes for bright stars. Maybe even wished on a few.
"You see Honey? You come by it naturally."
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"Greetings Child of Corn."
"Hi Auntie Lindsay."
I ask him about school and he tells me his favorite subject is weight lifting. I tell him I liked the picture he texted me but to ask for extra credit instead of drawing pictures of dinosaurs in math class. I ask him if he's been giving his mom a hard time and if his stepdad is being cool. I ask all the grown up things I'm supposed to before I can't stand it anymore.
"So...tell me all about the new chickie!"
"Her name's Angelina and she goes to the college. She loves to play video games. She's a very upbeat person but it doesn't look like it cause all she wears is black or purple but that's just because she isn't very girly. She's very smart. She's a lot shorter than me and she's pretty awesome."
A grin spreads across my face as I read his instant message. He's happy. He's so excited at the newness and it makes the ugly little black spot that had been hanging out on my heart just melt.
"I think you'd like her."
He tells me he's taking her to the movies for Valentine's Day. A scary movie that's rated R because she can get them in legally. That makes me smile, remember what it was like to be young.
My phone pings as I instant message and I get another taste of youth. On the phone is a picture of him with his new chickie, smiling in winter's first snow. The black spot on my heart falls away.
"You just gave me a warm fuzzy and I really needed one today."
A brief pause before I see he's responding. I imagine him on the other end of the computer, rolling his eyes at his silly Auntie Lindsay's mush. But he surprises me.
"Well, I'm glad." Though he's miles away, I can see the shy and genuine little smile I first saw fifteen years ago and my heart swells.
He's really kind of a neat Child of Corn.
"Hi Auntie Lindsay."
I ask him about school and he tells me his favorite subject is weight lifting. I tell him I liked the picture he texted me but to ask for extra credit instead of drawing pictures of dinosaurs in math class. I ask him if he's been giving his mom a hard time and if his stepdad is being cool. I ask all the grown up things I'm supposed to before I can't stand it anymore.
"So...tell me all about the new chickie!"
"Her name's Angelina and she goes to the college. She loves to play video games. She's a very upbeat person but it doesn't look like it cause all she wears is black or purple but that's just because she isn't very girly. She's very smart. She's a lot shorter than me and she's pretty awesome."
A grin spreads across my face as I read his instant message. He's happy. He's so excited at the newness and it makes the ugly little black spot that had been hanging out on my heart just melt.
"I think you'd like her."
He tells me he's taking her to the movies for Valentine's Day. A scary movie that's rated R because she can get them in legally. That makes me smile, remember what it was like to be young.
My phone pings as I instant message and I get another taste of youth. On the phone is a picture of him with his new chickie, smiling in winter's first snow. The black spot on my heart falls away.
"You just gave me a warm fuzzy and I really needed one today."
A brief pause before I see he's responding. I imagine him on the other end of the computer, rolling his eyes at his silly Auntie Lindsay's mush. But he surprises me.
"Well, I'm glad." Though he's miles away, I can see the shy and genuine little smile I first saw fifteen years ago and my heart swells.
He's really kind of a neat Child of Corn.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Not That Much
I don't need to win the lottery. I mean, I wouldn't turn it away if a crap ton of money fell in my lap, but I don't need it.
I've often let myself wonder what it would be like to have a ridiculous amount of money. I think about the places I'd visit, the things I'd do for my family and friends, the people I could help.
The bill collectors call every day-today it was twelve times. The phone starts at 8:30 in the morning, just before my alarm goes off. It rings in my office while I'm working,and it rings when I get home and am eating dinner. At least I have a pleasant ring tone.
I finally sat down today and added up how much I am in debt.
$7200.
I'm kind of ok with it.
I thought it was so much more than that. Of course....that number doesn't include rent, food, quarters for laundry-each roll is a ten spot you know. Now we're up to....
$8220.
Still not as high as I thought it was. The numbers seem so much bigger in my head. I feel like I owe a kidney, my first born, an arm AND a leg-not a dollar amount that equals under ten grand.
Strangely this number brings me comfort. Now I know how much I owe. I don't even have one hundredth of it, but I might someday. It seems feasible today.
I've often let myself wonder what it would be like to have a ridiculous amount of money. I think about the places I'd visit, the things I'd do for my family and friends, the people I could help.
The bill collectors call every day-today it was twelve times. The phone starts at 8:30 in the morning, just before my alarm goes off. It rings in my office while I'm working,and it rings when I get home and am eating dinner. At least I have a pleasant ring tone.
I finally sat down today and added up how much I am in debt.
$7200.
I'm kind of ok with it.
I thought it was so much more than that. Of course....that number doesn't include rent, food, quarters for laundry-each roll is a ten spot you know. Now we're up to....
$8220.
Still not as high as I thought it was. The numbers seem so much bigger in my head. I feel like I owe a kidney, my first born, an arm AND a leg-not a dollar amount that equals under ten grand.
Strangely this number brings me comfort. Now I know how much I owe. I don't even have one hundredth of it, but I might someday. It seems feasible today.
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