Issues

It's very hard to embrace this pro-body era when I've never liked mine. I see posts online of women that call themselves 'fat' and don't understand why they're proud of it. I can barely write the word 'fat' without feeling a twinge of pain from past taunts. It is not easy being a bigger person. Larger. Heavier than the 'accepted' population.  Jesus, maybe 'fat' is the right word because the others just seem like words trying to be kind when they still sting just as much.

Going to restaurants is hard. If it's a smaller place with no booths to hide in, or small chic chairs surround a table that I could fill on my own... I feel discomfort. And humiliation.

I feel it when I have to move the table in a booth especially. Even worse if the table can't move. I try to pretend it doesn't matter and ignore that my belly spills over onto the table. I can feel it when I see the server wince when I  decide to splurge and order a meal and dessert or an appetizer or both. 

 I feel it when I clean my plate.

I can feel it when someone scoots their chair in for me to get by or when I squeeze past someone in a theater's row, hoping no part of my body touches them.

I feel it when I catch my reflection in a building's glassy front.

I feel it when I'm rocking out alone in my car and I remember people can see me.

I feel it when I am shopping for clothes and find myself in the 'regular' size section. I feel like I'm trespassing in a foreign land. I feel it confirmed from the glance of another woman shopping.

I feel it in the look of disgust from the person in line before me at the grocery store. 

Really, any public place has opportunity for humiliation and too often I am hesitant to even risk the pain it can bring so I stay inside. But inside isn't safe either. Humiliation mixes with guilt and the past.

I feel it when someone mentions 'Miss Piggy'. A childhood comment from a bully lingers in the name of  a Muppet.

If someone says 'Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Keto diet...' I'm reminded of all the times I failed.

I feel humiliation and guilt when I remember the time I ate an entire box of cookies and then hid the box, shoving it far down into the garbage so no one would know.

I feel humiliation with every creak and groan from the springs in the couch. I feel it when I purposefully avoid chairs that might break underneath me.

I live this way. I feel these feelings every time I leave the house. I feel these feelings when I'm around my friends, my husband, doctors, strangers. I feel these feelings when I cancel plans.

These feelings of humiliation, guilt, self hatred are painful. They remind me of the past, mix with the present and make the future seem bleak. I avoid going out into the world to avoid these feelings.

Someone might see me then, see how I see myself.