When I Forget

All I wanted was for someone to notice. I wanted someone to see that I was a good person, kind and thoughtful. That I wasn't like most people. Since I was small, I ached to be recognized for more than what I was. 

I've learned how to do that for myself a little bit--though I forget sometimes. I've learned how to accept compliments and believe them--though I forget sometimes. I've learned that I don't need to have others' approval for me to approve of myself. I've learned that I'm a good person, kind, and thoughtful--though I forget sometimes. 

The people that help me remember...they're my family. A beautiful circle of support that has grown stronger over the years. I am grateful for them and appreciate them more than words could ever express. It's a sentiment I often find myself reflecting on. The love they have for me is strong and powerful. Knowing it's there is sometimes the only thing that gets--especially I forget. 

But I still want more. I want just one more to ask me how I am. To care about what I'm going through and support me when times are hard. I want to be able to call any time to talk about all the things I'm afraid of. The things I'm excited for. I still want more.

For years that wish felt selfish. How could I be sad or upset or confused about not having that from one person when I was surrounded with it by others? I felt childish, needy, weak...for years because I had that wish. It's been only recently that I've begun to understand that the difference between what I have and am so grateful for is not the same as what I'm still longing for.

I realized, no,accepted...I may never have my wish come true. Not because I don't deserve it because I do. Not because it's impossible to give because it is. But because maybe it doesn't matter. Not really. Because I have my family. I have support. I am not alone. It still hurts sometimes but that's kind of just life-wouldn't be real otherwise. But no...it doesn't matter. I don't need it anymore.